'I would dread finishing up school and having to go home' - victim impact statement of two boys who suffered 'harrowing' abuse at hands of mother's partner
In powerful victim impact statements the two victims of a “paedophile rapist” described the “harrowing” effects of the abuse.
The elder victim, now aged in his 30s, said: “From the age of nine when the abuse started I felt confused and frightened at what was happening. He made it seem like it was normal but something was telling me it wasn't normal.”
“When I realised it wasn't I felt embarrassment and shame. I had to keep it a secret. I would dread finishing school and having to go home.”
“I felt I didn't have any friends because it took my self esteem and knocked the confidence out of me. Now I'm anxious all the time, have panic attacks. I'm socially awkward, find it very hard to trust or talk to new people.
“I feel like he robbed me of my childhood.” He said he was afraid to bring friends back to the family home. From the age of 13 he began working part time jobs both in the mornings and into the night to avoid being at home.
“I was scared getting home that I was going to be abused. Most of the time he'd be in bed but sometimes he'd wait up to abuse me”.
He said he got into trouble at school because “there was a lot of anger in me”. He said he wrote a suicide note when he was 15 and tied a sheet around the banister upstairs to hang himself.
“I was so depressed. I didn't go through with it cos there was a little voice said: “No, don't let him win”.
At the age of 21 he moved out and then started to “go off the rails”. He said: “I couldn't cope. I wasn't ready to come forward and ask for help at that stage. I started to hit the drink very hard. I was drinking everyday after work.”
“To this day I have no confidence in myself, it's affected my relationships. I find it hard to be intimate with someone 'cos I feel like he's standing over my shoulder, 'cos of the things he made me do. I suffer from physical problems of being intimate. I suffer from nightmares.”
He said he is paranoid and overprotective when it comes to his own children.
His younger brother said he and his brother did not get the protection and teaching that parents are meant to give their children.
“Instead we got daily abuse from our abuser which we were asked to keep to ourselves for 22 years.”
“It took our childhood and most of our adult life due to trying to hide it, the damage. It took so much away from me, me being a child and the closeness and bond I should have with my brother.”
“We both knew what was happening to us but we were ashamed to talk about it and unable to be in each other's company.”
“I have no friends due to no life skills as I don't have confidence. At home it was a choice of either housework or sexual abuse.”
He said sleeping at night is hard because he is scared of the dark.
“As 80% of the abuse happened in my bedroom I have to sleep during the day where I can and where there is natural light. My daily battle is getting up to face another day ahead of me so the vicious cycle beings.”
“Why not kill myself? I tried before to end it all. I didn't succeed. This situation is consuming every bit of my life where a simple task such as brushing my teeth is the hardest thing for me to do.”
“I am living with mental health issues, anxiety, panic attacks, wondering will I ever have a normal life. Living what can only be described as hell on earth, not working enough to pay rent.”
“I cannot wear clothes for more than one day. I have to have my hair trimmed every week in order to feel clean. When having a shower I need to have two towels as I feel the need to hide my body.
“Because I feel embarrassed of my body I have felt the necessity to get my body tattooed – to change my appearance.”