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Saturday 26 July 2014

Blimey, what a performance!

Pat Fitzpatrick

Published 13/04/2014|00:32

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MasterChef Ireland judges Dylan McGrath and Nick Munier
MasterChef Ireland judges Dylan McGrath and Nick Munier

As ‘The Voice of Ireland’ presenter, Kathryn Thomas |(see page 10), writes for LIFE, Pat Fitzpatrick takes a light-hearted look at other TV talent show offerings.

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MASTERCHEF
“What are you cooking |for me today?” asks Dylan. “Steak and chips with |a twist, chef,” says a terrified-looking guy who is, hopefully, wearing a nappy. “What's the twist?” asks Dylan. “The twist is I’m going to use oven chips because I haven't a clue how to cook,” says your man. “I’m very excited about you,” says Dylan. “I couldn't touch another plate of scallops and chorizo with a twist.” “Hopefully, |Nick will be excited, too,” says your man. “Nick doesn't do emotions,” |says Dylan, without emotion.

SPLASH!
A reality competition where celebrities dive into a pool, you say, that's bound to cause a ripple. It |did, too, for |the first series. Unfortunately, viewer numbers |took such an incredible dive in season two that they nearly won the competition. Keith Duffy's trunks came off in the semi-final. A few sceptics felt it was just Keith trying |to raise ratings with a clever bit of acting. Viewers who saw him on Corrie said that was highly unlikely.

OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS
Remember the clap-o-meter? And, no, we don't mean that device in the university STD clinic: the one that used to beep like crazy, so that everyone in the waiting room knew that you were in a place beyond slutty. Happy days. The clap-o-meter on Opportunity Knocks was used to measure the strength of the applause of the crowd — the idea being that you'd use your hands to let someone know you fancied them. That got |you plenty of slaps back in college.

BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT
How come we don't have Ireland's Got Talent? They could even |hold heats in Australia to make sure that some young people |get involved. Seriously, though, surely we can find |an Irish person with well-trained identical poodles that get on your nerves after a few episodes. Or, as they are known in Britain, Ant and Dec. |The show would need a title to reflect the Irish inferiority complex. We're going with Ireland's Got More Talent Than Britain. Snappy.

STRICTLY COME DANCING
What's your favourite part |of Strictly? Is |it — A: the dancing, |B: Bruce's jokes |or, C: trying to figure out if |the celebrity is shagging the dance partner? If you answered anything other than C, then you are either blind or Bruce Forsyth. A lot |of people are startled to hear that the female celebs sometimes have an affair with a Strictly male dancer. It goes against the classic backward stereotype of male dancers as a pack of faithful, monogamous life partners.

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