Fired up by the global attention when Muhammad Ali came to town, Ennis Town Council is now wetting itself about a custom even older than the boxer's ancestors: pissing on the streets.

Last month, we heard about a local shopkeeper who installed an electric fence so that 'revellers' who lowered their masts anywhere near his premises were in for a nasty shock. The trader garnered national headlines, and stole the attention of previously dormant town councillors who, since the world's press came to town, have been falling over each other searching for solutions. Each politician trying to pee higher than the next.

At November's meeting of Ennis Town Council, the chairman set the early mood by saying that Ennis "needs to be at the forefront of tackling this serious problem". While the world panicked about a moderate dose of piggy flu, a few mild winters and a posse of bearded hillbillies in an Afghan cave, Ennis led the world in the war on illicit wee-wee. The town council's debate provided us with a nice snapshot of where we rank among the nations of this earth, and how each political party has advanced us into our crouching position.

First up was the Green Party councillor, close relative of trees and hugger of verdant technology. He proposed solving the problem by designing a website. Concerned burghers would sneak out at night with heat-sensitive cameras, snap images of the offending citizens in full flow, and upload them to www.ennisistakingthepiss.ie.

Naming and shaming appeals to the modern Greens, who value conformity above all else. The fruit 'n' veg party have assumed the position of the fallen Church in Ireland -- all end-of-the-world stuff, avoided only by a hefty dose of dogma. With policies made up as they self-flagellate into work each morning, they are living proof of Flann O'Brien's thesis that men who park big arses on saddles for too long eventually turn into bicycles themselves. Mahatma Gormley's party may soon be asking us to drink our own pee.

Next up was the Labour Party councillor. Ever conscious of the need to protect the public sector, especially if it involves creating even more superfluous state jobs, he proposed that two "urine wardens" be employed to patrol the mean streets of Ennis "on the lookout for revellers" who might stain the fabric of his beloved town. An independent councillor said he would support the initiative, but only on a trial basis, for he feared for the safety of urine wardens carrying out their duties at 3am in the morning, when traffic wardens already get spat on at 3pm in the afternoon.

The Fine Gael councillor, admirably up to date with excretory practices in New South Wales, Australia -- perhaps twinned with Ennis -- outlined a more measured plan, proposing that the council hire public urinals at weekends. This radical road map for the future fired up a hot debate about the current price of daytime peeing in Ennis (25 cents) and the already exorbitant cost of hiring car-park superloos -- almost €75,000 for a pair. In newspaper reports of the council debate, Fianna Fail voices were noteworthy for their absence. We must resist cheap shots about what they have been showering us with for the past 12 years of government.

Ennis is by no means the only town in Ireland worried about the olfactory effects of stale pee in the mornings. Down in Carlow Town, the judiciary have taken to wearing black hats when sentencing 'revellers' with full bladders and nowhere to go. When a Graiguecullen man recently sprung a leak outside the bus premises on Tullow Street, the learned judge ordered him to pay €1,000 to the Irish Kidney Association.

But it's not only nocturnal zombies who have difficulties with waste management in this country. On a recent trip to Newry, Co Down, now treasonable as well as seasonal, l couldn't help noticing the number of cars on the verges of the M1, partially hiding mothers as they voided children on the grass or grandfathers easing prostatic pressure on the hedgerows of Co Meath and Co Louth. Biographer Bertie built us some very fine motorways, but he never cut a single ribbon at a service station or public convenience. You can be sure his tent at the Galway Races did not have developers outside pissing in.

A couple of years ago, while on a break to the wilds of west Cork, I picked up a copy of the local Southern Star newspaper. On the letters page was a plea from a retired American kidney specialist who had just returned home from a trip to the land his ancestors once urinated in. He loved Ireland and praised us handsomely for our crack and our welcome. But his letter, like a urinary tract infection, had a sting at the end. He was appalled at the lack of public conveniences for natives and tourists alike.

He drove for miles on motorways and byroads looking for places to pee. He mentioned many disorders of the kidney and bladder that necessitate frequent urination: prostatism, stress incontinence, urge incontinence, kidney stones and so on. He described the damage that can result to delicate structures from holding out for too long. And he was flabbergasted that Irish patients, their doctors and their support organisations did not demand better services.

And, of course, he was dead right.

Why do we license public houses which say: "Toilets are strictly for customer use only"? Why is it a condition of bladder emptying that you must fill it up again before you leave?

Is it healthy for people to avoid hydrating themselves before a long journey because they know there is nowhere to stop for relief ? Why do we tolerate Gaybo and his road-safety crew talking down to us about the need to pull over for cappuccino, when they know quite well you can't get a beverage, lavatory or even a safe place to pull over on hundreds of miles of Irish motorways.

When it comes to pee, it seems this country is always caught short.

L

- maurice gueret

Sunday Independent