Check-up: Struggling to deal with sudden bereavement
Monday December 01 2008
Q: My mother-in-law died suddenly a few days ago. My wife was extremely close to her and her death has hit her very hard – she’s extremely depressed and is having trouble eating and sleeping. I want to support her, especially with the funeral coming up, but I feel so helpless, I just don’t know what to say or do. Should I encourage her to see a GP?
A: the loss of a loved one is something we all have to go through eventually, but unless you have actually lost someone close to you, it can be hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving.
If there is a sudden death, I am often phoned up by relatives or friends who are anxious about a bereaved one. Like you, they want to be visited because they feel inadequate to deal with the crisis on their own.
However, medical help might not be what your wife needs right now. Sedatives for the bereaved often don't help so soon after the death, mainly because blotting out reality is never the answer.
Unfortunately, there isn't a bereavement pill to take away the sadness, sense of loss, loneliness and guilt. One of the best ways to deal with these feelings is to let your grief out. It's natural to be upset about the loss of a loved one, so make sure your wife doesn't bottle up her feelings.
Tell her that it's perfectly acceptable to cry at the funeral service or at the graveside. This is natural, as the funeral is the final farewell and underlines the finality of what has happened. It also helps to cleanse feelings of anger, pity and frustration.
If she has not already done so, you could also ask your wife if she would like to view the body, although you shouldn't pressure her if she really doesn't want to.
Some counsellors think it is very important that the dead relative should be viewed in order to face the reality of what has happened.
If a loved one has spent time in hospital prior to their death, viewing them at peace in the chapel of rest can also help to erase the traumatic memory of seeing them covered in wires and connected up to gadgets.
It will take time for your wife to come to terms with her loss, but if her current depression and loss of appetite persist for longer than a few weeks, she should see a doctor.
It could be that she needs expert help to get her through a prolonged battle to put grief away in its place.
