The tell-tale signs that reveal your real age...
'Harry Potter' on the iPod but 'Joy of Sex' under the bed. Ed Power marvels at the ways in which our tastes highlight our advancing years
Britney Spears performs at the Bambi Awards 2008 Show in Germany
There was a time when people knew how to act their age. But nowadays it's fashionable to cling to the trappings of youth even when you're wrinklier than a crumpled five-euro note.
Still, hair-dye and fashionable ringtones can only paper over so much. Sooner or later, our ages give us all away. Read on to see which category you belong to.
What's That Sticking Out of Your Coat Pocket?
Under 10: A dead frog you found in the middle of the road. Wait until the rest of your class sees it! That's if it hasn't decomposed by the time you make it to school. It is Friday evening, after all.
Oh well, you'll just have to store it in the bread bin until then.
11-14: A novel about a dishy vampire who falls for a confused and misunderstood teenage girl.
Alas, their love is doomed from the start -- for she is a mere mortal and he is tortured, conflicted and adrift. Also, when he says he enjoys a Bloody Mary with breakfast, he isn't referring to a cocktail.
14-20: The contents of your parents' drinks cabinet, siphoned into an empty Vodka naggin. After half an hour of sloshing around in your pocket, the mixture is glowing purple and emitting a petrol-like odour. The perfect aperitif for that can of Dutch Gold concealed in the lining of your coat.
20-25: The post-pub kebab you stuffed there last night and promptly forgot about.
The bad news: it's cold, greasy and has ruined your leather jacket. The good news? Guess who's got the munchies ?
25-30: Your new iPhone. How do we know it's an iPhone? Because it's all you've been talking about for the past 40 minutes.
30-40: A folded up copy of the business section.
During your two-hour commute from Dublin to rural Laois you've been reading that your house is worth half of what you paid in 2002.
40-50: A Nintendo DS machine. You've heard that 'brain training' games can help keep your deductive powers ticking over as you get older. Well, it's easier than Sudoku.
50-60: A packet of lozenges which you are about to suck slowly and loudly, thus ruining the train journey for the person sitting next to you.
65+: The keys to the Harley-Davidson you've just treated yourself to.
Your kids are appalled -- but one of the perks of getting on in years is seeing the look on your children's faces as you blow their inheritance.
What's On Your iPod?
Under 10: Lady GaGa.
Cross Madonna with a hyperactive TeleTubbie and you get the artist previously known as Stefani Germanotta -- a pop star precision engineered for people who think music is something you put on your ringtone.
11-14: We're torn between Pussy Cat Dolls and T-Pain.
14 -20: We believe White Lies to be the most important band of all time, largely because we're not old enough to realise they've cadged all their best ideas from U2 (the soaring choruses, the pseudo-profound lyrics) while cannily omitting the worst bits (Bono).
20-25: The new Animal Collective album which we ripped off the internet, thus doing our bit to stick it to corporate record industry.
Also, it's perfect listening while we're waiting to cadge a lift home from dad. Look -- there's his Mercedes now.
25-30: Duffy's album. Everyone says she's the new Dusty Springfield.
We're not quite sure why everyone liked the old Dusty Springfield but it seems like a good conversation-starter for our next house-party.
30-35: A Harry Potter audio-book. What the public doesn't know, the public can't jeer you about when you're on the bus.
35-40: Metallica's Death Magnetic.
Once you're home and your tie's off, you are going to crank the volume up and really rock out to this one. At least until the risotto is done.
40-50: AC/DC's Black Ice. God, these guys know how to cut loose.
Also, they're actually older than you. Lately, that's started to matter a lot.
You bought tickets to see their show at the O2 -- now all you have to do is find a babysitter.
50-60: Bob Dylan's Greatest Hits, freshly downloaded from iTunes.
You've already got it on vinyl, eight-track, cassette, CD and mini-disc -- but it doesn't help to be a completist, eh?
65 +: Circus by Britney Spears. You're first and foremost a fan of the music, obviously.
Who Are You Texting?
Under Ten: You're not so much 'texting' as dipping your father's phone down the loo in the hope it will emit an amusing farting sound. Later, you will send an indecipherable text to his boss whilst feeding the phone to the dog.
10- 14: OMG! U WNT 2 KNW WHO IM TXTNG? LIKE,WHT A PERV!!
14-20: Your parents, demanding a lift home from college, during which, in lieu of speaking to them, you will remotely update your Facebook page.
20-25: Texting? Dude, I'm Twittering!
25-30: The cutie from accounts with whom you're flirting behind your girlfriend's back. No need to feel guilty -- your girlfriend is about to dump you by text.
30-35: Your fiancee. She's keen to hear your thoughts on the flower arrangements for the wedding.
You are trying to think of a polite way of telling her that a) you don't care b) you can't afford to spend €1,500 on flower arrangements.
35-40: Your wife, to let her know you've been laid off. Afterwards, why not throw the company phone out the bus window? It will make you feel better for the duration of your commute.
40-50: The entire marketing division, informing them they've all been sacked.
You would do it in person but you're running late for your golf twosome.
50-60: You're not texting anyone. You've refused to have anything to do with mobile phones since Crazy Frog . The wife does it for you instead.
65 +: Your pharmacist. You need another Viagra prescription --in a hurry!
Last website you visited
Under 10: Who knows? -- you've been sitting on the keyboard, gurgling milk all over the screen.
10-15: The official website of The Jonas Brothers.com, the Daniel O'Donnells of teen heartthrobs.
15-20: Bebo -- you're the only demographic that hasn't defected to Facebook.
Well, you and the child-molesters.
20-25: Facebook -- though if you have to 'friend' one more idiot from work....
25-30: iTunes.com -- because you believe you should legally purchase your music rather than helping yourselves to it for free (stop laughing please).
30-35: The Onion -- it's funny 'cos it's ironic! We also like The Simpsons and Monty Python. Have you heard us recite the Dead Parrot sketch? Hello?
35-40: Any recruitment site that hasn't spontaneously combusted this past six months.
40-50: Some random website about improving your sex life. Actually, we only know this because we accidentally pressed your 'history' button and now we wish we hadn't.
50-65: eBay.com -- it's amazing what people will pay for all that junk in your attic.
65+: Amazon.com -- to buy the new edition of the Joy of Sex. Your old '70s copy is a bit 'um worn. What do you mean they've gotten rid of the pictures of the bearded guy?
- Ed Power
