Nourishing the soul: Recovering from a chronic eating disorder
Having recovered from a chronic eating disorder, Judy Blake tells Joy Orpen how she found the strength to overcome it
'It was the only coping mechanism I knew' - Judy Blake, right, a bulimia sufferer, with her mother, Jenny.
Time, a sister's illness and an intense spiritual experience in Brazil were the elements that led to one Dublin woman's recovery from a chronic eating disorder. Today Judy Blake, 36, is finally able to move on, having experienced the real torment of living with bulimia.
Judy believes her eating disorder stemmed from feelings of inadequacy as a child, and also from her oversensitive nature.
"I was tall and felt clumsy," she recalls. "I was also the second of four children. I never felt as good as anyone else, so I craved attention."
Nonetheless, Judy coped well enough until puberty. "I was 12 or 13 when -- seemingly overnight -- I developed breasts, hips, and even stretch marks," she says. "I was disgusted with my body, and felt so bad I started messing about with silly diets."
Judy found she could go for long periods without eating. Then she would allow herself a little snack, and that would escalate into a massive binge when she might eat a whole sliced pan in one go. Purging would come next. These are classic symptoms of bulimia.
Like most addicts, Judy became extremely defensive and secretive. She was good at hiding her problems by feeding her dinner to the dog, or by scraping it into the bin when no one was watching.
She says, because she was "no good" at making herself sick, she began abusing laxatives, and, as a consequence, spent long hours in the bathroom. She knew when the laxatives would kick in.
"The whole binge-purge cycle became my ID," Judy explains. "It was the only coping mechanism I knew. I didn't want to get well. I was too afraid of not having that place to go to, of not having the fix I got from my addiction."
Her weight went up and down by several stone in the course of a year.
By the time Judy was doing her Leaving Certificate, she was in a very dark place. "My eating was way out of control. I would binge, then diet, binge and diet," she recalls. "It had taken complete control of me."
Finally, she ended up in hospital on an eating-disorder programme where she had to eat her meals by her bed, after which she was not allowed near a bathroom for the following hour. There was also a considerable amount of group work, which she found challenging.
Judy did not get the cure she craved. Instead, she became institutionalised. "Life there was easy, everything was done for you, and I felt safe," she explains. When she left, she began "messing with food" almost immediately, and soon she was back in hospital by night, and attending school during the day.
Then she took an overdose. After she had her stomach pumped, she ran away. As a result, she was put in a secure ward. "It was very frightening and claustrophobic, and I wondered how I could have ended up there," she recalls. Bingeing, dieting, secrecy, loneliness, deep depression and defeat had now become familiar companions.
Over the years, Judy was admitted to hospital many times. In spite of that, she found the resources within her to travel and work in Asia.
When she returned for her brother's wedding in 2003, she took a hard, cold look at her life, and didn't like what she saw. She imagined herself forever lying on the couch in binge mode, without even the energy to shower. That really frightened her.
So, Judy went to a treatment centre in Dublin, and from there to a halfway house in Cork. She says that while people can give up alcohol and drugs, it isn't possible to give up food, so her bulimia remained a considerable hurdle.
But other issues were beginning to overshadow her problems. Judy's older sister had a tumour on her pituitary gland and it was wreaking havoc with her health.
So, a few years ago, the two girls decided to go to a holistic centre in Brazil. While there, Judy was staggered by her sister's unselfish attitude. Despite her life-threatening problems, her sister's only concerns were for Judy. "My sister was terrific," Judy says. "She didn't judge me. She understood that I, too, had an illness."
Judy says that while the whole Brazilian experience was emotionally traumatic, it was highly charged in a spiritual way, and hugely cathartic.
"When I came back, things started to fall into place. I decided I didn't want to focus on eating any more," she says. "I moved home and I stopped worrying about food."
Today, Judy is no longer obsessed with what she eats. But she is careful to eat regularly, and does not skip meals. She is now doing advocacy work and enjoys leading a normal existence.
Her mother, Jenny, is delighted with her recovery. Jenny says while it is unusual for an eating disorder to last as long as her daughter's did, it's impossible to predict a time frame. "The duration of an eating disorder varies considerably from person to person," she notes.
She says when Judy first became ill, no one really knew how to deal with her particular, complex problems. Nowadays, a great deal of expert advice is available in Ireland and that is partly due to Bodywhys, a support organisation for people affected by eating disorders -- Jenny was one of its founding members.
"I eventually learned that ultimately Judy was responsible for her own recovery. We could support her, but we couldn't make her get better -- she had to do that for herself," Jenny explains.
"That's why I became involved in Bodywhys; it gave me a focus and was something I could actively do."
Jenny says that when dealing with someone with an eating disorder, it is crucial to realise any problems are the direct result of the illness.
"In between her bouts of bulimia, Judy was an absolute sweetie," Jenny recalls. "All the difficult behaviours were there to maintain the bulimia; the bulimia had taken over."
She urges those dealing with people with eating disorders to have hope. "Be there for them and never give up," she advises.
Jenny says that while the whole ordeal was extremely painful, there have been some positive outcomes: "It has been beneficial in many ways -- in terms of my personal development, for example. It has brought our family closer together and has enabled us to cope with Judy's sister's illness.
"Life is not about the hand you are dealt," Jenny says, "it's the way you play that hand. This is Judy's story, and it is one of hope."
Bodywhys: the Eating Disorders Association of Ireland, has launched a booklet for parents of children with eating disorders, tel: (1890) 200-444, or see www.bodywhys.ie
- Joy Orpen
Originally published in
