Fit to be tried: Colonic irrigation
Image posed by model
Monday January 26 2009
TAKING in a litre of warm water is hard enough using your mouth. But try doing it from the other end. "Let me know if the pressure gets too much. You're doing well -- we've got a litre in now," comes the reassuring voice of therapist Niamh Fitzgerald, who is standing to the rear of my, ahem, rear, ready to perform my inaugural colonic irrigation treatment.
It's session one of a tailor-made "internal cleanse", and a brave step for a girl like me, who believed irrigation was only something to do with ditches.
But this new-age enema is the darling of the celebrities and health fiends, who claim it's an antidote to our toxic modern lifestyle and a tonic for digestive systems clogged up from a diet of processed foods such as pizza, chips and burgers -- washed down with booze, salts and sauces. And the idea isn't new -- enemas and irrigation were first documented in 1,500 BC, making them 4,000 years old.
One enthusiastic octogenarian specialist, V E Irons, even tries to sell the procedure on its erotic potential. "If you want to remain sexually potent, start cleaning your colon today," he advises. "I'm 87, and I still enjoy sex." Yes, Dr Irons, but does your partner?
I settle for more practical promises of the treatment, which is said to promote weight loss, destressing and other life-changing benefits. What have I got to lose? Don't answer that.
But lying semi-naked on my side on a kind of trestle table, knees up at a 90-degree angle, and peeking at the alarmingly large plastic pipe on the colonic machine, I begin to have second thoughts.
It's hard to relax, and I feel unable to join in Niamh's chat about a forthcoming family wedding in Kinsale: I'm the one with tepid liquid being pumped in the wrong direction.
"Don't worry, it'll get easier when you get used to the sensation," says Niamh, who takes it all in her easy-going stride. She casually mentions that one customer passed a few prawns -- whole.
That doesn't help me. But the insertion of the tapered tube -- about one inch wide -- is the easy part. Next, the water pumps in -- and in, and in.
It feels like a balloon expanding inside your stomach. Even though a valve prevents the pressure from building up too much, I squeak a bug-eyed "Yes" when Niamh asks if she should release the flow. "You can go to the toilet now," she tells me.
I hurtle to the bathroom with its specially designed foot-stool which helps achieve a squatting position -- like you need encouragement after having water flushed through your bowels for almost 35 minutes.
When I emerge, Niamh says: "You didn't really pass anything." It gets worse: "We did your descending colon. Next time, we'll tackle the larger organ."
Niamh says colonic irrigation is becoming increasingly popular across the country. She sees five to nine clients on a busy day, and colleagues in Galway, Cork and Limerick are just as busy. But it's not cheap -- around €400 for a two-week treatment.
"The treatment cleans out your whole digestive system as well as your colon," says Niamh who has treated clients ranging from children (with parents' consent) to a couple wanting a cleanse before their wedding.
Finding a properly qualified therapist such as Niamh -- who has more than 100 hours of practical training and is a qualified naturopath -- is important, because anyone who can buy a colonics machine can set up a practice in this unregulated business.
Colonics is not just about the irrigating. You get a diet sheet recommending you give up caffeine, processed foods, sugar and alcohol.
By session two, I am bitterly regretting having that last curry, box of chocolates and final piece of Christmas pudding to celebrate the fact I'm about to be cleaned out. As well as the treatment, Niamh prescribes daily doses of a natural laxative and magnesium "to stop cramping and help you sleep". I take it on faith that my headaches, bone pains, grumpiness and coffee cravings will disappear as promised.
They don't, but Niamh says she notices an improvement during session three and more "old stuff" is coming out. I don't want to ask how she knows.
Finally, the two-week cleanse is finished. I'm over the caffeine withdrawals and feeling clear and energetic. There's no major weight loss -- only one kilo. But at least I've conquered the enema within.
