LAST October, Rehab's HeadsUp mental health promotion project, in association with the Irish Independent, launched a writing competition, inviting entries under the heading: Head wrecked -- what's going on in my head?

The aim of the competition was to offer young people the opportunity to address the difficult life issues that affect them by writing about their views and personal experiences, and in so doing to help lift the burden of stigma and silence around such issues.

The winner was Fiona Bradshaw (27), from Portarlington, Co Laois, who here describes her struggle with agoraphobia. Fiona has suffered from panic attacks since she was nine years old. Now agoraphobic, her condition means that she is never, ever, able to relax.

HeadsUp aims to contribute to suicide prevention efforts by providing timely, appropriate information and support. HeadsUp also seeks to encourage positive help-seeking behaviours among young people, and enhance their resilience and coping skills.

As part of the HeadsUp service, a free and confidential 24-hour text service, supported by Meteor, is available. Text HEADSUP to 50424. A new interactive website, www.headsup.ie, was also launched recently.

Head wrecked

-- Fiona's story

I know I don't have cancer or a degenerative physical disease and, trust me, for that I am grateful.

My disability, my crippling ailment, is invisible and I'm certainly not guaranteed to die from it although sometimes I wouldn't mind slipping away from the constant fear.

I can't see my agoraphobia and panic attacks but I can feel them when they course through my body. I know my limitations and I know the militarily-strict steps I have to take daily in order not to panic: car keys, must always know where they are; Xanax, must always know where they are; parking somewhere I'm hugely unlikely to get blocked in, must always have my escape routes. Don't go too far from home at any time and stay on the quiet roads. Have my 'safe people' in their places in case I need them.

Most people get up, go to work, go out and play and, in general, live their lives from day to day. Bills, mortgages, kids, jobs -- these are day to day concerns. The 'normals', as I call them, don't consider their mental health, or at least they don't need to -- why would they? I know that when I was well, I didn't consider mine. Not until its fragility was unveiled to me.

I'm not sure if I always had agoraphobia and panic attacks but since my mental health failed me, my world has shrunk epically and I am now tethered to home. I have, for all intents and purposes, become a prisoner in my own life.

But at least I have the best family and friends in the world to count on. Still, it took me a long time to find the confidence to explain everything to them. It also took me a long time to discover what I was going to have to explain.

Many books and many therapists later I think I have a handle on what handles me. I know what happens to me when I panic, I know why it happens. Still, when it creeps over me I always seem to fold because it is so brutally terrifying. My boyfriend says I am the bravest person he knows; that I slay dragons every day. He thinks this because I get up every day and face into the fray once again despite the fact that I am enveloped by crushing fear and my life has become so restricted. He thinks this despite the fact that I would sometimes prefer to just lay down and die.

And he's right. Not just about me, but about every single person who struggles with their mind. People who suffer physically suffer terribly, and I would never claim that what I and too many others endure is any worse, but when you can't see it or touch it, it's beyond frustrating. How do you treat the invisible? Even though some days it feels like I'm chasing ghosts, I am actually trying to get my life back.

Because I'm so very tired now. Tired of being scared all of the time, tired of not being in control of my life but rather being controlled by the panic. So tired of the adrenaline, the white lies to people, the freakish need to be in control of everything whether it concerns me directly or indirectly.

My method so far has been medication and talk therapy. And in the talking I have come face to face with some of the ghosts. They make me want to run home and hide under the covers but I'm determined to face them at least, if not the actual panic attacks themselves.

I am determined to join ranks with the 'normals' but to also take with me what I've learned along the way.

I hope that in a time when America has its first African-American president, we would also be forward-thinking enough to change our attitudes towards mental health, too.

A bit of understanding goes a long way when someone is already finding life impossible.

One final word on my experiences with the existence I've been dealt. Positivity and a sense of humour are weapons worth having in your arsenal.

Look around you and you will see the awfulness -- it's extremely easy. So fight for the good in your life, whatever it is. Get up in the morning and smile. You've won today's battle before you've even had your breakfast.

- Sarah Spendiff