Where viewers fear to flick ...
From serial killers to lifestyle shows about the sex industry and Lindsay Lohan's mum, it's one man's journey into extra-terrestrial TV. Ed Power reports
Late-night television can be a truly brain-frying experience. There are, thanks to digital TV, literally hundreds of channels to choose from, and many seem to be vying to outdo one another in the bizarro stakes (especially as midnight approaches). You would not, for instance, have thought there was demand for a channel dedicated exclusively to obscure reality dramas but, judging by the recently unveiled Zone Reality TV, how very wrong you are.
For most of us, of course, those murky channels at the far end of the spectrum (anything north of 150, if you subscribe to Sky) are destined to remained a foreign country.
Sure, we've stumbled upon late-night footage of bondage queens licking cream out of one another's belly buttons, or Middle East sitcoms with sets seemingly comprised of recycled cardboard. But we quickly move on, back to the comforting blandness of RTE or the British terrestrial channels.
Yet, what if we were overlooking some quality entertainment? To find out what, if anything, we are missing, I have decided to set caution to one side and spend an entire weekend venturing where the average Irish viewer fears to flick. Swearing off the safe, mainstream stodge served up by RTE, BBC et al, and aided only by a six pack of beer and a Tayto party pack, I'll be staying up all night to explore those strange channels most of us are only too happy to ignore.
It's 11 pm, so I begin with FX, a grievously overlooked honey-pot of quality American TV. Tastemakers are forever prattling on about HBO -- the channel that gave us The Sopranos -- but, in the US, FX's reputation is almost as esteemed.
Over recent months it's been screening Dexter, a rather addictive procedural crime series with the twist that the narrator is a serial killer (it's ok: he only slices 'n' dices people who really have it coming to them). Think of it as a cross between Law and Order and American Psycho.
Right now, though, it's time for the Colbert Report, one of those barbed current affairs satires at which Americans excel (presumably by way of compensation for their obsequious mainstream news). The host, Steven Colbert, is a sort of manic caricature of right-wing pundits such as Bill O'Reilly and, while his frantic performance can be exhausting right before bedtime, his punches certainly hit home.
For truly bizarre political satire, however, we must visit O'Reilly's real-life home, Fox News -- a fantasy channel set in an alternate universe where George W Bush actually knows what he's doing.
To be honest it's all a bit scary, so we switch quickly to BEN -- Bright Entertainment Network -- an African expats' service, which is screening Apprentice Africa. But instead of rushing around to please the continent's answer to Donald Trump, the contestants are . . . well, actually it's not clear what they're doing. Our best guess is that they are participating in an open-air choir, the entrepreneurial value of which is less than immediately apparent.
Zapping hastily along, we switch to Virgin channel, which gives the impression of being chiefly aimed at emotionally underdeveloped 14-year-old boys. It's getting close to midnight, which means it's time for Sexcetera, a mildly saucy lifestyle show about the sex industry.
Some advice: if you're partial to a midnight snack, steer clear of Sexcetera -- it's very hard to keep a bowl of cornflakes down when watching a man in a chapless leather body suit being slapped by a 20-stone dominatrix.
Saturday starts with the sound of smashing glass and wailing police sirens. No, our estate's teenagers aren't rioting again. We've tuned into Brit Cops: Frontline Crime UK, an 'action- packed documentary' set in the mean streets of, er, West Wales. Cue 60 minutes of grainy footage of chavs kicking the lard out of each other on Newport high street before the 'coppers' swoop in and whisk the lot off to the clinker.
Understandably, it is with a heavy heart that we flick away, to E4 -- essentially a lobotomised version of Channel 4 -- where we're in time for the conclusion of Big Brother: What the Housemates Did Next.
The answer, we learn, is not much beyond selling their 'stories' to the tabloids, releasing flop singles and, if your name is Jade Goody, becoming famous for having a double-digit IQ.
Wielding the remote once again, we find ourselves far into uncharted territory -- or, to give it its official name, Zone Reality TV. Waiting to greet us is a cheerful little show called Prisoners Out of Control, a fly-on-the-wall travelogue about the life and grime of incarcerated British prisoners -- a bit like Prisoner Cell Block H with all the whacky humour removed.
Over on the misleadingly monikered Hollywood TV meanwhile, we are treated to that staple of wee-hours entertainment: the all-night poker tournament. Clearly, there's a push on to establish poker as a sort of TV sibling of snooker and darts, complete with breathless voiceovers and multi-camera shots.
As we don't actually understand the rules of poker, however, it's a bit of a wasted effort, so we finish our morning's viewing over at Nuts TV, where there's still time to catch the final minutes of Sextastic Double Header, a lighthearted look at the wacky world of partner-swapping orgies. It makes a change from watching Jeremy Paxman berate two-faced politicians.
Our weekend marathon ends not with a whimper but with squeal of girly delight. That's because we've happened upon E! channel's Living Lohan, a reality show about Linsday Lohan's attention-desperate stage mom Dina. What's really gutting, though, is that we're too late for Denise Richards: It's Complicated, a fly-on-the- wall trawl through the life of the one-time A-lister (this week she got to hang out with her 'horny' teen cousins).
For true escapism, though, we switch to Russia Today, the Russian rolling news service, where pasty-faced presenters whose accents veer between the Queen's English and Bond villain gravely assure us that Vladimir Putin is the most munificent global figure since Mother Teresa -- before cutting to footage of recently razed Georgian villages. We're not quite sure if we are missing out on the satirical overtones.
On the Paranormal Channel, meanwhile, it's time for Epitaph, a 'thought-provoking montage of images that will relax you into a paranormal slumber'. Funny, we thought the TV had gone on the blink.
From here, it's but a few flicks away to the DMAX's World's Toughest Tribes. The show is a cross between Planet Earth and the fight scenes from Grand Theft Auto. You'd never see that kind of thing on a David Attenborough show.
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