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Saturday 23 August 2014

Billy Connolly: 30 great quotes

Published 15/05/2014 | 15:24

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Comedian Billy Connolly has caused quite a stir online with his new documentary 'Billy Connolly's Big Send-Off' in which he investigates attitudes towards death around the world.

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The 71-year-old recently revealed that he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and Parkinson's disease on the same day.

Here are 30 of Billy Connolly's greatest quotes:

1. "I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt."

Billy Connolly was born in Dover Street, in Anderston, Glasgow.

2."I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog. And being a folk singer doesn't make you attractive to women."

Billy Connolly and Gerry Rafferty were in a folk band called the Humblebums and released two albums in the late Sixties. He still plays banjo and had a jam session with comedian-musician Steve Martin in 2013.

3. "Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair kit.”

4. "Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!”

5. "I've been a poser for f---ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh."

6. "I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce."

7. "When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?”

8. "There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter."

9. "I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white."

10. “I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”

11. “I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning... that can keep me awake for days.”

12. "A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries."

13. "I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you."

14. "My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard."

15. "Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace."

Billy Connolly makes a lot of jokes about football. He once joked that he thought for years that one club's name was "Partick Thistle Nil" and said of the disastrous manager of the Scotland World Cup team in 1978 that: ”Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint." In 2007, Celtic named Connolly as a patron of the club's community projects arm.

16. "I'm a huge film star... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f---ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f---ing Muppet movie."

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17. "The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards."

18. "I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow."

Billy Connolly said that in 1989 about his friendship with Princess Anne, having previously said in 1981 that "she looks like a horse just s--- into her handbag."

19. "My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo."

20. "Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you'll have the time of your life."

21. “I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.”

22. "What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find. Threepenny bits?"

23. "You've made a happy man very old."

24. "Don't vote, it just encourages them."

Billy Connolly's view of politicians. He also said his philosophy of life was "F--- the begrudgers".

25. "My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."

26. "Ronald Reagan sits at that desk in the White House, and the button is there that can end the world: BOOM! My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television!"

27. "When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight."

28. "Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?"

29. "A lot of people say that it's a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer 'f---.'"

30. "If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?"

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