Wednesday 26 April 2017

Kirsty at large: So far, be3, we're not 'bobby dazzled'

Host: be3's launch was underplayed while Elaine Crowley’s chat show got a lot of PR
Host: be3's launch was underplayed while Elaine Crowley’s chat show got a lot of PR
Amazon Echo
Weetabix eggs benedict
Kirsty Blake Knox

Kirsty Blake Knox

Gals, I don't know if you missed it but this week TV3 finally launched their female friendly channel be3.

A station proclaiming to embody all things female, be3 kicked things off with Aerial Ireland - an hour-long documentary full of aerial shots of the Irish countryside.

Oh be3 - you know us so well.

If there is one thing women love - aside from Galaxy chocolate and kittens - it's extensive drone footage of recently tilled fields.

The documentary was followed by Alan Shatter discussing circumcising croquette potatoes and flirting with a sous chef on a 2015 episode of The Restaurant.

The following day's schedule included a screening of vintage show Dickinson's Real Deals in which cheery antique dealer David Dickinson sifts through tat in your attic, and tells you if you have a "real bobby dazzler". (Not a euphemism).

It wasn't all bad though - Brian McFadden's reality series Who's Doing the Dishes? featuring celebrity guest/TOWIE star Amy Childs was also screened.

Show me a woman in Ireland who says she is immune to the charms of McFadden and I will show you a liar.

Following their less than successful media briefing last year, in which they differentiated between the "grown-up channel TV3" and "female-oriented channel be3", the station bosses seem to have realised that be3's line-up is a tad lacklustre.

This may explain why the be3 launch was underplayed while Elaine Crowley's new chat show Elaine (airing on TV3) this week got a lot of PR.

Unsurprisingly, Elaine is defending the be3 listings.

"No one has a problem with that all-male channel Dave over in the UK. This is no different. As women, we need to pick our battles carefully," she said.

"And maybe not get so easily offended."

But I'm not offended by be3's schedule, just perplexed.

This bamboozlement was compounded when I scrolled through a hard-hitting online article about the 'girly' things men would do if they weren't considered "feminine".

Top of the list? Wearing yoga pants.

That was the number one thing men envy in women - the carefree abandon with which we wear yoga leggings. This was followed by getting your nails done (fun) and undergoing laser hair-removal treatment (not fun.)

I get what Elaine Crowley is saying, these listicles and TV listings aren't worth getting overly worked up about.

I don't think they reveal an inherent hatred or dismissive attitude to women.

They're just plain lazy.

How devoid of imagination do you have to be to considering wearing yoga pants the pinnacle of femininity or think that Alan Shatter fondling veg and drone footage of the midlands makes compulsive daytime TV?

Go home, Amazon Echo - you're drunk

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In a recent moment of misplaced ­generosity, my dad decided it would be a good idea to gift my mum a state-of-the-art Amazon Echo.

He wasn't the only person won over by the sleek voice-recognition speaker - it was Amazon's bestselling product over the holidays.

"What on earth is that?" mum said looking at it.

"You ask it questions and it tells you stuff," Dad explained. "It tells you what the weather is like, orders an online food shop, plays music and can control the immersion."

"How do you turn it on?" she asked.

"No idea."

According to my dad, the Amazon Echo has won rave reviews on Amazon (funny that).

But, as no one in my family can figure out how to use it, it has been sat on the mantelpiece doing nowt.

"Perhaps we can put a candle on it?" my sister said. "Jazz it up a bit".

I thought the Echo was wasted on us until I started to read reports that the machine had been going rogue.

Around the world, the Echo and it's intelligent assistant Alexa have been wreaking havoc on unsuspecting homes.

It started in the States when six-year-old Brooke Neitzel, from Dallas, asked the machine to "play dollhouse" with her.

And so the Amazon Echo ordered Brooke a $170 KidKraft Uptown Dollhouse with furniture. It also inexplicably ordered four pounds of Danish butter cookies.

But the mayhem didn't end there - when Brooke's story was reported on a local TV station, dozens of other Amazon Echoes in other people's homes heard it, sprang to life and ordered dozens more doll houses and butter cookies. Trapped into an Amazon Echo vortex I read all the things the Echo has accidentally ordered including a sled dog and 150,000 bottles of shampoo.

It seems my family's shared technological incompetence has been a blessing in disguise, and we have avoided the Amazon Echo rising up and plotting against us.

Although I must admit four pounds of Danish butter cookies doesn't sound so bad.

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