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Tuesday 23 September 2014

'All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window' - Joan Rivers' top 20 jokes

Kashmira Gander

Published 05/09/2014 | 07:37

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Joan Rivers, the comedian who has died aged 81, was celebrated for her fearless put-downs and zingers.

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Throughout her lengthy career, she took as much pleasure directing her acid-tongued humour towards herself as she did tearing apart other celebrities.

“The trouble with me is, I make jokes too often,” the comedian, told The Associated Press last year.

“That's how I get through life. Life is SO difficult — everybody's been through something! But you laugh at it, it becomes smaller.”

Here are some of the bold comedian’s best jokes, but unfortunately without her spot-on delivery.

1) I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.

2) My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

In this Feb. 16, 2012 photo provided by Bravo, Joan Rivers appears on the "Watch What Happens Live" show in New York. Rivers, the raucous, acid-tongued comedian who crashed the male-dominated realm of late-night talk shows and turned Hollywood red carpets into danger zones for badly dressed celebrities,  died Thursday, Sept. 4, 2014
In this Feb. 16, 2012 photo provided by Bravo, Joan Rivers appears on the "Watch What Happens Live" show in New York. Rivers, the raucous, acid-tongued comedian who crashed the male-dominated realm of late-night talk shows and turned Hollywood red carpets into danger zones for badly dressed celebrities, died Thursday, Sept. 4, 2014

3) All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

4) I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

5) I said to my mother-in-law, “My house is your house.” She said, “Get the hell off my property.”

6) Madonna is so hairy. When she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

7) I said to my husband, “my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs”. He said, “Blue goes with everything.”

Joan Rivers in 2009; it was announced yesterday that the 81-year-old comedienne had passed away
Joan Rivers in 2009; it was announced yesterday that the 81-year-old comedienne had passed away

8) I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “The man goes on top and the woman underneath.” For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

9) Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

10) Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

11) My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "Pick up, I know you’re there." And she says the same thing back, "How’d you get this new number?

12) I bought a pedigree dog for $300. My friend said, "Give me $300. and I'll shit on your carpet."

13) I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

14) Joan Collins lies about her age so much we should have her body carbon-dated.

15) When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton's poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film... in a Marriott hotel.

16) My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

17) Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the? linoleum. "My God, the floor's immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch."

18) You want to get Cindy Crawford confused? Ask her to spell 'mom' backwards.

19) Style is like herpes: You either have it or you don’t.

20) I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked

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