Saturday 3 December 2016

People are talking: Helen, we totally Wood

Donal Lynch

Published 09/05/2016 | 02:30

Big Brother contestant Helen Wood.
Big Brother contestant Helen Wood.
Vincent Browne

In some sense, it seems all these celeb injunctions fail to protect the really innocent parties. A poor extra virgin bucket of olive oil had its name dragged through the headlines recently, and last week it was the media-shy personage of former call girl and Big Brother contestant Helen Wood, who had to deal with the daunting prospect of being linked to yet another fairly unattractive famous person.

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Helen was understandably peeved at this and pointed out that she doesn't believe in kiss and tell - unless someone else has started the telling, presumably - and said that she would have gotten her own injunction if she'd had the money (which the telling might have generated - there's a Catch 22 if we ever heard one). She might also have pointed out that anyone with opposable thumbs can find out the name of the "world famous" (only just) actor involved in one second flat and if they did so would probably be confused as to why he'd be so keen to make sure nobody knew he was involved, as it would be without doubt the most interesting thing he has ever been known for.

For while the actor has been one of the driest and dullest figures in the cultural landscape, Helen has already this year had her name featured in a headline which also included the phrase "hairy nipples". Frankly, if we were him we'd be dropping her name all over the shop. And, if he plays his cards right, she might even be able to hook him up with a few football tickets.

Zayn's a knight with shining arm candy

Anne Marie Scanlon

Here at People Are Talking we love Zayn Malik. No matter how bad our lives get, we can count on Zayn to cheer us with his sheer gommery. Witness his rig-out at the Met Gala where brave Zayn struck a blow for equality. 

Yes, you heard right. Equality! Every year at the Met, the women wear the headline-grabbing gear (did you see Katy Perry? Didn't she look like her ex Russell Brand in drag?) and the poor men are ignored.

Fearless Zayn is having none of it and stood up for his sex by sticking a pair of metal arms on his tux. Go, brother! Take that, female overlords!

Was his outfit a post-modern take on James Bond as a knight in (some) shining armour? Was it a retro nod to Transformers - he's a robot, no, he's a boy band singer, no he's a serious solo artiste!

Whatever the effort of a get-up was, it was terribly misjudged. When you have arm candy like Gigi Hadid, the arms in question shouldn't be trying to upstage her.

On yer bike and less bull, Mick

Eilis O'Hanlon

It's a little known fact that being CEO of Ryanair is only a part-time job for Michael O'Leary. His main occupation is annoying right-on, politically correct types at every available opportunity.

Environmentalists ... the French … "lunatics" in the Dáil who do nothing but whine about how much better life will be come the revolution - O'Leary's had a go at them all.

Last week, he added a new target to the list as he called for cyclists in Dublin to be "taken out and shot".

Well, he's only saying what most us have fantasised about on seeing another hairy eco warrior in lycra shorts weave in and out of traffic, oblivious to the rules of the road.

Mick's comments didn't go down well on Twitter, alas, as many on social media remain tragically unable to tell the crucial difference between "Making A Sarcastic Remark About Shooting Cyclists" and "Actually Doing It".

They do realise Father Ted wasn't real either, right?

No effing point in blocking the F-word in crazy times

Pat Fitzpatrick

F-word. F-bomb. Wtf just happened there, said viewers of Vincent Browne, right, on TV3 last week. What happened is Vincent said "it's f**king amazing" that Phil Hogan got a promotion to the European Commission after setting up Irish Water. Except of course Vincent didn't say f**cking. He said fucking. Which is the way most of us feel about the situation in Ireland now. Particularly those of us who paid our water bills.

These are strange times. Leicester City won the league. Danny Healy-Rae thinks that God controls the weather. Gerry Adams went on Ryan Tubridy's radio show and ended up talking about his collection of rubber ducks. It's impossible to comment on the state of the world without using the F-word, and using it liberally at that.

And when we do get a government, the first thing they should do is force the broadcast media to lift their ban on using 'unparliamentary language.' We are a nation of cursers. It's in our nature. Suppressing effing and blinding can't be good for our health. So come one, let's see more of the F-word from Vincent, Claire Byrne, Miriam, Tubridy et al. Strange times call for strange measures.

Gerry's Netflix and chill

Will Hanafin

For most of us, the concept of Netflix and chill means sitting through some dire Richard Gere movie with enough popcorn and wine to ease the pain. Not for the first time, Gerry Adams has taken a reasonably good concept and ruined it for everyone. While watching Tarantino's Django Unchained he referred to the lead character as "a Ballymurphy N****r".

I'm worried that if Gerry Adams has discovered Netflix there will be lots more awkward tweeting. Worryingly, Netflix has added the Leprechaun movie. This horror about a leprechaun chasing his pot of gold was memorably called a crock rather than a crock of gold by one critic.

Gerry's economics verges on the crock of gold variety, so his next move could be an alliance with the little people!

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