Tuesday 25 October 2016

Someone's cruising for a sky-high bruising

Eleanor Goggin

Published 09/11/2015 | 02:30

Eleanor Goggin says her liver will be stunned. Photo: David Conachy
Eleanor Goggin says her liver will be stunned. Photo: David Conachy

I'm writing this on a long-haul flight. In longhand. Why am I writing it in longhand? Because I'm petrified of using 'devices' on planes. I'm convinced that my 'device' is going to upset the radar and bring our plane down to earth way quicker than expected. I hate people using their 'devices' anywhere near me. I worry that they are not on aeroplane mode. I tend to glare at them.

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Basically, I'm terrified of flying. And a drink calms me down. But I can't have a bloody drink as I've pledged to give it up for the month and the guy next to me is having a white wine. And he is on his 'device'. Now I want to kill him for two reasons.

The thought has crossed my mind that it's the first of November and I'm in a different time zone and it may only be the last day of October in the area I'm flying over, which would allow me to break out. But I'm trying to be good, and if not having a drink when I'm terrified isn't challenging myself, I don't know what is. The fact that I'm taking two long-haul flights where the drink is free is further reason to be extremely miffed.

The further fact that on a flight from Malaga a few weeks ago we rocked around up in the sky and I got hysterical enough for the guy next to me to suggest sleeping tablets is proof enough of my terror.

The nice lady comes around again and asks me if I'd like a drink. I want to wrestle the wine from her, but smile sweetly and ask for another orange juice. The fact that the country I have returned from -Taiwan - doesn't have a drink culture is keeping me together. No fighting on the streets. Everybody very gracious and calm.

The plane journey is quite smooth, so I'm sitting back, orange juice in hand, with a sanctimonious look on my face.

If 16 hours cruising at 34,000 feet isn't enough to put me over the edge, then maybe the month won't be so difficult.

TIP: I keep telling myself how stunned and happy my liver will be.

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