Sex, drugs, models, rugby players and dodgy politicians
Antonia Leslie ventures deep into the darkly satirical world of the Rubberbandits as the comic duo break Britain
Published 24/08/2014 | 02:30
The Rubberbandits have been making it big in Britain, storming the Edinburgh Comedy Festival, selling out the London West End, and gaining more and more fans, including Stephen Fry and Russell Brand. I'm in Dublin so when I wanted to talk to them I had to use Skype.
It was, as always with these guys, a conversation of a scatological nature. They are, after all, in the business of humour and very individual humour at that. That should be enough of a caveat for what follows, but just in case let me state for the record, that no actual drug-taking or sexual acts as described occurred, and no models, rugby players, politicians, media workers, Lords Mayor, theatre owners or any one else were harmed, involved in drug-taking or sexually molested for real. Nor were there any rats or snakes.
I think the fog was genuine though. Oh, here it goes:
Me: The last time I talked to you both was a few years ago at the gig you did in the Olympia?
Blindboy Boatclub: Yeah but the Olympia was full of rats. Rats and snakes and the owner made me sit on his lap afterwards and tried to make me snort cocaine off a spoon.
Blindboy: The whole of Irish society was there and the Lord Mayor of Dublin and he came in and I had to sit on his lap too and he tried to make me snort heroin off a spoon too!
Me: So what happened in Edinburg?
Blindboy: We rented an old 18th century haunted flat in Edinburgh and it was infested with rats.
Mr Chrome: And there was a fog. A strange kind of fog native to Edinburgh. It's not like the fog you'd see in Ireland it's like the inside of a cow after breaking and entering.
Me: Your new song, If ya want to fuck a fella, seems to be a big hit with the Irish intellectuals?
Blindboy It is yeah but they are all potty-mouthed pups.
Me: The guys back in the Sunday Independent were all very impressed with it too.
Mr Chrome: Well they're all potty-mouthed pups as well and they like it so they can all print the word 'fuck' when they write about it. They love that when they can say the word 'fuck' in print.
Blindboy: Brendan O'Connor is a pup and I'd love to sniff the fog off his brow, like he has a forehead for that.
Me: God I don't think poor Brendan would be very happy about anyone doing that?
Blindboy: No, but we'd like to take him into a car park for chicken sandwiches and a can of Lilt though.
Me: So you both have been living in London now for a while. How is that?
Mr Chrome: London is a town. It's a town and it has a big wheel.
Blindboy:A Ferris wheel.
Me: I know but it goes round very slowly.
Mr Chrome: Yes, but you can run around the inside of the cabins like a rat.
Me: More like a hamster then? So how do the English and the Scottish take your kind of humour?
Mr Chrome: Well they see us and it goes in their ear and they listen and that's how they take us.
Blindboy: But we operate out of a knocking shop in Soho and its full of germs.
Me: You did a song last year with Danny Dyer?
Blindboy: Yes, a great man Danny Dyer. He's a pup and a rat and he likes to say 'fuck' a lot and do cocaine off a spoon, but he's a decent bloke.
Me: I loved the song and the video you did with him.
Blindboy: We should do another with him and all the hardest men in the world . . . and all the hardest men in the world sewn together like in the movie The Human Centipede.
Mr Chrome: Yeah that would be great. Imagine all the hardest men in the world sewn together as a human centipede.
Me: When I first saw the video for the song with Gabriel Byrne, I wondered was it difficult to get a hold of Gabriel Byrne to do the video for you?
Blindboy: We just called him in the morning and he was free and he came down and we shot the whole thing in one take.
Me: Well he is a professional.
Mr Chrome: Well he was there sitting on our knee.
Me: And he wasn't heavy?
Mr Chrome: No. Well he's a tall guy, like at least two feet tall but not heavy.
Me: So apart from Edinburgh and London, what else have you both been up too?
Blindboy: If you want some scandal to put in your column, we rode every model in Ireland! You can print that and if the models say anything different they are liars !
Mr Chrome: Liars and rats.
Me: Was that all in one day, together, or how did it work?
Blindboy: No just over a year or two we rode them all. Only the good ones though.
Mr Chrome: Not the ones you'd see in a local or regional papers.
Me: Wow, can you name any of them? Or tell us the details?
Blindboy: Oh no we are gentlemen we would never spill names.
Me: And politicians? Did you sleep with any lady politicians?
Mr Chrome: No we don't like politicians, they are all sneaks and rats.
Blindboy: No, No. they would be too selfish in bed. They would be all take, take, they'd be leaving the room with the condom, they'd take you for everything.
Me: So apart from the models, have you been fucking any fellas, like your latest song tells lads to go out and do?
Blindboy: Oh the odd one here and there but we have fucked all the rugby players in Ireland bar Connacht.
Mr Chrome: Not all of them but we definitely did all of Munster.
Blindboy: We had a threeway with Simon Zebo in a phone box.
Me: And what about the ladies rugby team, they have been doing so well lately. Any of them?
Mr Chrome: No, not yet. They were too busy training. We tried though, we drove up to the field they were training in. We were in a Cortina and we were shouting out our phone number.
Blindboy: . . . and I'd say we can expect a few phone calls now in the near future.
Me: And TV shows? You did a TV show a while back. Any more TV?
Blindboy: We might.
Me: And a Bandits movie?
Mr Chrome: No we don't like movies. That's more an American medium of expression .
Me: Well perfect to get your humour over to an American audience?
Mr Chrome: No, we don't want to go to America. The Americans have too many ghosts and they worship a big hound, a hound in the trees.
Blindboy: But running round in the woods is great though. Have you been running around in the woods at all recently?
Me: Actually I have, I was up in the woods in Fermanagh with the anti-frackers in their camp. And there were druids there.
Mr Chrome: I don't trust the druids. There's too many druids running about. They can't be trusted .
And then, whether it was the Skype or the fog, the connection faded away, and the Rubberbandits drifted off back into their own peculiarly wonderful world.
Till the next time.