People are talking: It was a banner week for Kim K
Published 06/07/2015 | 02:30
When the banner displaying a still from Kim Kardashian's sex tape was waved at Glastonbury, there was a lot of debate: was this "misogynist slut shaming", as The Guardian claimed, or a harmless piece of Kanye-baiting, as a lot of the internet seemed to think. For our money, we think The Guardian might be overestimating the reach of a mere banner. When you've released a sex tape of yourself as a business decision, you know it's been downloaded and masturbated over by a zillion men, and you've gone on to parlay the whole experience into a billion dollar lifestyle brand, one would imagine you're pretty far beyond feeling shame about it.
At that point, shame is your style. It would be as if someone mentioned Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky. You imagine, all these years later, she would just roll her eyes and say "is that all you've got?" Kim and Kanye are together because they're both the biggest stars in the world and being the intelligent man he is, he probably understands that she would never have become a superstar without the sex tape that people think will embarrass him.
If they really wanted to make him cringe, they should've just played a few clips of Keeping Up With The Kardashians with Kim talking in her baby-doll voice. Much worse, for our money, than a blurry sex video.
The end of Jen and Ben. Again
They lasted a whole decade. Which in Hollywood years is about 30. But Ben Affleck and his wife Jen are no more. Sound like deja vu? It might. Affleck might have the whole of Tinseltown at his feet, but this latest turn of events has confirmed categorically his bad luck with women named Jennifer.
Remember the traumatic time, in the early noughties, when Ben and Jennifer Lopez called off their engagement? We had watched them frolic together on a yacht as he convincingly played her lover in the music video for Jenny from the Block. We had collectively gasped at the pink, 6.1 carat rock he had used to put a ring on it. But alas, diamonds and fly beats were not enough to keep them together, and the tabloid phenomenon that was Bennifer finally came to an end in 2004.
Bennifer 2.0, with Jen Garner in the girlfriend role, had a better innings. They married and produced three beautiful children. But still, Ben didn't get his happy ever after. Perhaps things went wrong after Jen number 2, when discussing their easily concieved brood on a chat show, announced that her husband was surprisingly "spermy".
At the time of going to press, rumours were beginning to circulate that Ben and former flame Jennifer (that's Lopez) had been seen flirting and whispering to each other at the Oscars this year.
But for Ben, clearly drawn to a Jen like a moth to a flame, the writing should be on the wall. Next time around he might have better luck with a Kate, a Jane or a Bridie.
Anything but a girl named Jenny.
Spoofer's guide to saving Greece
Isn't it amazing how a crisis in Greece suddenly turns us all into instant experts on international high finance?
You know how it is. Some randomer on the radio says it's all Greece's fault. Some protester outside the Dail blames the EU. Which one's right? Most of us haven't a clue.
Probably both. Or neither. What's funny is that the randomers and the protesters most likely don't know what they're talking about any more than we do, they're just better than the rest of us at spoofing.
Situations like last week's events in the EU, as the eurozone hurtles towards disaster, bring us face to face with the existential terror of admitting that there are some things we just don't understand. We can only hope that someone, somewhere, knows what they're doing, though that's looking increasingly unlikely.
We shouldn't be so embarrassed. How is anyone meant to get their heads around sums of money with that many zeros on the end? Billions. Trillions. Squillions. It might as well be in Martian for all the sense it makes, and we have enough problems of our own just paying the bills and hoping that there's enough left on Friday night for a takeaway and a nice bottle of wine.
Ultimately, we decide this stuff on emotion. Who do we like best - the affable. funky Greeks, or those Euro squares who look as if they'd sell their grannies if the bondholders told them to do it? On the other hand, who do we trust more - those chilly but efficient Germans, or the socialists who think money grows on trees?
Toss a coin. You're as likely to be right either way.
Latinos To Trump Donald
When someone starts a sentence with "I'm not saying this, but" or "I'm not this, it's just" the chances are they are saying it and they are. So when your boyfriend says "I'm not saying I fancy your wan down the local, but . . .", it's time to find a new local, or maybe a new boyfriend.
So I'm not saying that Donald Trump is a man entirely made of faecal matter above the shoulders, who would be about as good at being US President as IS leader Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi would be as host of Sesame Street, but I think he'll struggle to be President, especially given what he's said and not said.
So Trump wasn't saying in his announcement speech two weeks ago that he hated all Mexicans, just that a lot of them were rapists and drug dealers. Given that his Republican competition includes candidates named Cruz and Rubio and Jeb Bush, whose wife is Mexican, it's clear that the party is courting the Latino vote. Calling a lot of Mexicans rapists and drug dealers in your announcement speech, is probably not best advised, especially when you've about as much in common with the average American voter as a panda does with a vacuum cleaner. The popular Spanish language network Univision seemed to think so and, like NBC, 'fired' Donald Trump and his Miss USA pageant last week. Long may the Latino backlash continue.
It's Irish Roulette, Louise
Today FM's Louise Duffy had news for us last week. She said that herself and Kerry star Paul Galvin don't have a wedding date yet, but she wants the honeymoon to be here in Ireland. Brave woman. You see, as we know after events this week, there are now two Irelands. One is a cold, wet and resentful place. The other is known as Leinster.
While the east coast relished what those around the Med might call early spring, everyone else in Ireland was left in a state of terminal despair. This is now typical of the Irish summer. It isn't that the sun always shines down on Leinster. You might remember that parts of the north-west gave Marbella a run last year, while everyone else looked on and said, "Shag you, Donegal."
The problem is that the summer weather in Ireland is guaranteed to divide the country in two. There is no solution to this. (Although Sinn Fein will probably draft a policy document, because they love to promise a united Ireland.)
This brings us back to Louise and Paul. Choosing this country for a summer honeymoon is to engage in a game of Irish Roulette. Poor Paul probably wouldn't like it too hot because it could get fierce sticky in those tight jeans he likes. But neither would he like it to rain. And there is only one thing worse than 17 degrees and rain on the west coast of Ireland. That's turning on the radio to learn that there are people semi-naked in Stephen's Green (without a drop of drink in them). So, fair play to them for saying they'd like to stay at home next year. But seriously, guys, nobody would blame you if you chose to honeymoon somewhere other than Divided Ireland.
Put 'em under pressure, Tony
Forget about Olé Olé Olé, we should be chanting No-lé! No-lé! No-lé! as Italia 90 nostalgia reaches fever pitch.
Right now bewildered grand kids are being bored by Jack's Army foot soldiers dangling dog-eared programmes in front of them like venerated relics.
It's been 25 years since Jack's Army did us proud at the World Cup in Italy, but it's odd that a couple of football matches have now been elevated to 1916 status in our minds.
The late Con Houlihan said once that he missed Italia 90 because he was in Italy at the time. That goes for the players as well, and it was refreshing to hear Tony Cascarino talking sense last week. Tony reminded us that the games were rubbish, they ate and drank too much and they were bored senseless most of the time.
"We had all this chocolate everywhere . . . You'd eat about 12 Snickers in a day!" he said.
And when they finished the Snickers the squad got through two kegs of Guinness the night before the quarter final against Italy.
"We all suffer from nostalgia and everything seems better looking back at it," Tony added.
So ditch those green tinted specs folks and live in the moment!
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