Saturday 22 October 2016

People are talking: Emigrants, just be like Vogue

Pat Fitzpatrick

Published 29/08/2016 | 02:30

Vogue Williams
Vogue Williams
Daithi O Shea looks on as a Fathers4Justice protester storms the stage during the Rose of Tralee. Photo: Frank Mc Grath

Dear Returning Emigrants, we were glad to hear during the week that you are coming home in ever-increasing numbers. The place hasn't been the same without you. That said, shut up.

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We really don't need to be told that the weather here is getting you down. It's one thing for a foreigner to rock up and find the weather hard going. It's another for a person who grew up here to return home after three years and complain that the place didn't turn into Barbados while they were away.

As for food, we're delighted you enjoyed the ethnic melting pot in Melbourne. But that doesn't give you a right to moan that it's impossible to get decent sushi in Kinnegad. In terms of transport, no, we didn't manage to build a metro in Dublin since you left in 2011 and even the Chinese would be hard pushed to knock one together in that time.

We take your point that it's still the usual parish-pump carry-on in the Dail and the much promised New Politics has yet to arrive. That said, they are getting a dose of New Politics in America with Donald Trump, which is the main reason you decided to get the hell out of Chicago.

Finally, property and rent prices are gone all crazy again. That's partially because you and others like you are coming home. So, be careful what you say.

Here's our best advice. Please be a bit more like Vogue Williams, left. She returned home from Australia after a failed marriage and threw herself back into life here without a word of complaint. It would be really great if you could follow suit.

When is a bid for power not a bid for power?

Eilis O'Hanlon

Leo Varadkar is not running for the leadership of Fine Gael. Is that absolutely clear? True, it might look that way, with all the speeches and interviews he's been giving lately - but he's not. Got it?

He's just setting out his "vision", which admittedly does also look and sound awfully like the sort of thing a man who wants to be seen as a leadership contender and potential Taoiseach would do; but hey, it's not Leo's fault if his every word is misinterpreted.

No, the Minister for Social Protection is simply trying to fill those long, empty days before the Dail returns. At which point he will still definitely not be getting involved in any challenges for the FG leadership. Because he's not interested, OK? No, sirree.

Sure, there isn't even a vacancy. Enda's doing a grand job. Didn't he win the election only a few months ago? Well, "win" might be pushing it, but he is Taoiseach, and that's not something you can say about many FGers historically. To repeat - Leo has no interest in being top dog. We hope that clears up any confusion.

Lovely Girls don't cry


In a scene that could have come straight out of Father Ted, a man dressed as a priest stormed the stage of the original Lovely Girls competition last week.  Once there, in a most unKanye-like manner, he exhorted both the live audience and the viewers at home to pray.

Never mind the ecumenical question of how many angels can dance on the head of a pin as said pin was audibly dropping. The audience looked mortified and the lovely girl suitably miffed. (I mean, how many times in her life is she going to have the undivided attention of Daithi O Se? Exactly!)

Subsequently, it was reported that the Lovely Girl said she wanted to burst into tears at the interruption. Really?

While some of us would argue that the Lovely Girls and other pageant-style competitions are anachronistic, to say the least, that's nothing compared to the fact that a good 'boo-hoo' is deemed an appropriate female response to upset.

Any woman who said she wanted to give the good Father 4 Justice a dig in the ribs would have been our immediate winner.

Lena vs Kim in the smalls wars

Sarah Caden

In gold-medal position on the hot-on-holidays, thigh-gap Olympics is Kim Kardashian in her wardrobe of flesh-coloured bikinis. She even wore one for tennis, thus proving that despite her curves being generous, they don't jiggle.

The same could not be said for Lena Dunham and her Girls co-star Jemima Kirke, snapped in their smalls for New Zealand lingerie label Lonely. They flaunted their flesh in bras and briefs without the aid of Photoshop or even nice lighting, adding to the lumpy, bumpy impression by slouching, crouching and sitting awkwardly.

Dunham and Kirke look lumpy, bumpy, pale and puckered. In fact, a lot of women would think, "I'd look better than that in my knickers." Which is partly the point. It's OK to wear lace knickers if your bum's not rock solid from the gym/the injections/the Photoshop. But it's not OK that we need that reassurance.

Siri's Streisand effect

Donal Lynch

It may be that we expect too much of Siri. Apple's blank-voiced maid of all work has to contend with reading directions, answering ridiculous questions and occasionally being forced to repeat dirty words. But now, at last, the company is going to give her the one ability we've been waiting for all these years: how to pronounce Barbra Streisand's name properly. It's Streisand with a soft 's' - "like sand on the beach", the legendary chanteuse told Apple CEO Tim Cook earlier this year; and she corrected another interviewer this week. The Funny Girl star has some epic clout: the fix is going to be worked onto the app later this year. So Siri might still be useless to you in every other respect but if you find yourself wondering who sang at Bill Clinton's inauguration you'll be all set. It'll change your life. Who said Cook was still having trouble filling Steve Jobs' substantial boots?

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