Entertainment

Wednesday 7 December 2016

People are talking: Doing it for the 'basic bitches'

Donal Lynch

Published 15/06/2015 | 02:30

What Kate did next: Is Kate Moss turning into a sort of Patsy Stone from Ab Fab-type in our minds?
What Kate did next: Is Kate Moss turning into a sort of Patsy Stone from Ab Fab-type in our minds?
Paris Hilton
Revival: The Corrs
Film flop: Sepp Blatter

The Patsy Stone memes were irresistible. Because that's what we secretly want Kate Moss to reincarnate into right now: the drunken one from Ab Fab. And we'll patiently support Kate's every step of the way to behive updo, leopardskin stole and nonchalant fag dangling from one lip. Why? Because she owes it to all us basic bitches (which is her term for a kind of easily pleased, entry-level human being), to have the gloriously ill-behaved middle age that we could never get away with. She's socking it to The Man, even if The Man is actually a female flight attendant.

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That's why when Kate was escorted off an easyJet plane this week for reportedly "swigging" vodka and getting into a "row" with plane staff, the world reacted as though Kate were Rosa Parks, the easyJet plane was a bus in Alabama and the right to further G&Ts was civil and/or human. We are tired of being bossed around by airline staff and made to feel like children when we're old enough to look in the mirror and see our parents' likenesses burst through. We Have Had Enough.

That's why you couldn't hear yourself for the thunder of pro-Kate support all week. She was only having a laugh, went one defence.

She just wanted a little nip of alcohol from her luggage, BIG DEAL someone else squeaked. She reportedly "played hairdressers with a little girl"; call the papparazzi and send her to the Tower of London, someone else sighed.

Everyone seemed to be in agreement that anyone who sat next to Kate Moss while she got rambunctious on a flight should consider themselves extremely lucky. She was deigning to fly economy and thereby giving us a glimpse into how to really live.

Even better was Kate's reaction to the whole thing. If it had been any other female celebrity they'd have accepted their sackcloth and ashes and would probably have shamelessly played the mummy card ("It's my most important job...").

They would put out some press release about feeling exhausted and emotional or blame some combination of sleeping tablets. But not Kate. Like royalty she never complains, never explains. And when the dust has settled, perhaps those easyJet staff who booted her off will understand that they wasted a once-in-a-lifetime event. A comet just flew past their nose. And they gave it a speeding ticket.

Nul points for Greece in Euro  contest

Greece's entry for this year's Eurovision was widely seen as a cry for help from Athens to its EU neighbours.

"Come back and save me," it went. "What happened wasn't fair." It could have been a speech by Greek prime minister Alexis Tsipras last week as time, excuses, and, more importantly, money all continued to run out.

In a way, the whole saga is starting to resemble a political version of the Eurovision Song Contest itself, though "Euro-lack-of-vision" might be a better name for it.

Perhaps we all need to show more patience as the horse trading drags on, but you know how it is. As with Eurovision, you start out with the best intentions, but, somewhere in the middle, as some prima donna launches into yet another heart-rending ballad, you slowly start to lose the will to live. By the end, as another nonentity from some godforsaken dot on the map hogs the screen, you're screaming at the telly: "Get on with it!"

The backstage infighting. The melodrama. The huge bills. The fact that the Irish never get a look in any more. The only difference between EU negotiations and Eurovision is that the caterwauling in the latter only lasts for one night, whilst these talks have been going on for months now. Though wait, what's this? "The results of the German jury are in… and it's nul points for Greece." Oh well, Athens, there's always next year.

Or in your case, maybe not.

Eilis O'Hanlon

Paris in the limelight again

She's no ordinary bridesmaid, that Paris Hilton (pictured). Her sister Nicky's nuptials to banking scion James Rothschild are  due to take place this summer at Kensington Palace. Yes, that right, they're having it at Kate and Will's gaff - though whether or not the Prince and Princess will be invited to join the celebrations remains to be seen.

But it comes as little surprise that big sister Paris, one of the most adept self-promoters of her generation, will be taking a central role in the proceedings.

According to reports, she's already been busily planning her moment to shine on the night in July. Paris is said to have taken the opportunity of her Sis Nicky's bachelorette party in Miami last week to announce that as well as being, naturally, a guest of honour, and, we assume, a bridesmaid, she'd also like to be the entertainment.

And not, apparently, in the traditional bridesmaid manner (getting sloshed and snogging the groom's dad). First, she's going to DJ. And now, allegedly, she's considering taking to the stage as the wedding singer as well, to serenade her sis and her fella.

Perhaps she feels that a tired, emotional and inebriated audience, such as she's likely to find at her sister's wedding, could be exactly the receptive crowd she's been looking for.

Julia Molony

On Corrs for a revival

We've been trying hard to leave bad ideas from the nineties behind us like Bertie and the Eurovision, so it's unnerving when something from that era decides to return.

An updated Jurassic Park is in the cinemas and a group of pop dinosaurs are also returning. It's time to runaway because Andrea Corr has revealed that Dundalk's most musical family The Corrs are back in business.

There were a few omens before the big announcement. Joe Duffy's phonelines crashed on Liveline and the first track that popped up was The Corrs (pictured). Then Andrea spoke to Chris Evans on his BBC show and confirmed it.

They will be performing in September in London's Hyde Park and they are also in the process of making a new album.

Andrea said: "We're in the process of making a new record so it just feels right to do this. It's exciting. We emerged after our lives going in different directions - babies and all that." Maybe The Corrs being back in business is official confirmation that the recession is over. They stopped performing in 2006, the year that global recession first started, and now they're back. Or maybe I've been listening to too many conspiracy theories!

Will Hanafin

FIFA's famous film flop

Between Sepp Blatter's dictator-like attempts to hold on to power, the crazed defiance of the wanted Jack Warner, and Chuck Blazer's cat-filled apartment , there's a pretty good darn film to be made about FIFA, and that's not to mention the police raids and the subsequent perp walks and FBI press conferences which played like scenes from a Scorcese film. And there is a film. Unfortunately though it's not very good. It's called United Passions and it's about the history of FIFA  who reportedly paid €23 million to make it, a princely enough sum. But don't expect  Mark Ruffalo or Tom Hardy for that money but Tim Roth, Sam Neill and Gerard Depardieu, who you may remember as 'that French guy' from the 1990s. And with United Passions taking €812 at the US box office you'll likely still do so.

The thing about football administration or any kind of administration for that matter is that it's about as glamorous as a soiled mattress. No one wants to see self-aggrandising fluff like United Passions any more than they want to spend an evening with the Shipping Forecast Appreciation Society.

But then FIFA, and Sepp Blatter (pictured) in particular, have shown themselves to be about as self-aware as a brass doorknob, and so it shouldn't surprise you that they thought it a film worth seeing.

Christopher Jackson

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