Wednesday 24 May 2017

We won't tear a strip off you, Rihanna

Raunchy rock goddesses are welcome, says Pat Fitzpatrick

Pat Fitzpatrick

COME down south, Rihanna, you can take your top off here any time. The raunchy 23-year-old singer caused a storm last week when she got a bit naked in a Co Down field while shooting her latest video.

Virtually any man in the world would have one word for Rihanna if she took her top off on his land: thanks. But the farmer in this case was 61-year old DUP councillor Alan Graham. Oh, oh. He pulled up in his tractor and told her to put her clothes on and find God. Way to kill the buzz, Alan.

Maybe next time, Rihanna, try and find a farmer who's in Sinn Fein. He'd just stare at you for an hour and be glad he'd have something juicy to tell the priest at confession. Or he might take a lead from his party leadership and brazenly deny having looked at you at all, even though everybody saw him doing it.

There is a lesson for us here in the south. In the week Twitter announced it would locate its European HQ in Dublin, we learned that we are now in direct competition with the UK for foreign investment. The Twitter jobs are welcome, but there needs to be an inquiry in the IDA to learn why we lost out to Northern Ireland in the raunchy rock goddess risque video market.

The economy could do with the cash, and the men of Ireland could do with a lift. So Beyonce, Britney, Katy Perry and Lady Gaga, if you're reading this, let us be quite clear. You are more than welcome to come here and dress inappropriately in our great outdoors.

Most of the lads have been on holiday in Spain at this stage so we won't stare as much as we might have done 20 years ago. It's warmer than the north down here so you can stay suggestively dressed for longer. And don't worry, we won't complain.

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