Listen to top-10 divas? Not now, not ever
Aren't you just sick of modern pop music? You'd sooner catch me dancing at the disco in downtown Dacca than hopping along to the latest top-10 hit.
Lady Gaga? She might be gaga but she's no lady, says you. Britney Spears? I'd sooner you tore out me tonsils and used them to beat a bodhran.
And as for that Beyoncé: the woman bellows out her songs like a bad-tempered bull who's caught his behind on some barbed wire.
And I see U2 are still on the go as well. For the love and honour of Jaysus.
Those fellas had some good songs in their day, to be fair, but their day happened in 1987. I should know, I was there at the time, serving behind the bar.
Bring back Showaddywaddy, that's what I say. There was real pop music, bud, not like this ould muck we hear nowadays.
Still though, I wouldn't kick that Rihanna out of bed for eating doughnuts. She could stand underneath my umbrella anytime she wanted, rain or shine, if you get me meaning.
The presidential election: Aren't you bloody sick of it already, as it's not even due to arrive for another five months?
I'll never know why we don't just install a dictator for life and be done with it. Someone like Napoleon, now he'd knock a bit of sense into the country.
I'd like to see the beardie weirdies in the unions knock heads with old Bonie. More pay for shorter hours? Not tonight, Josephine!
This voting fiasco will cost the state more millions, and we hardly have enough to pay the gas bill as it is. And who in their right mind would elect Michael D or Cat Pox anyway, missus?
Miniature Michael Twee would bore us all to tears with his poetry readings. And then he'd probably write a poem about that and all.
I'm rooting for Big Jack anyway. He led the soccer team to glory, he can do the same for the country.
Here's my stop.
MICK THE MAVERICK