Monday 25 September 2017

The 10 best worst movies of all time

The movies you love to hate by Niall Byrne

Making a great movie is hard. It requires a great script, a cast with natural chemistry that produces moving scenes, beautiful cinematography, pacing, a suitable score, editing, stage design, costumes and dozens of other factors that are crucial to the making of a great film.

Then there's that other category of movies: good bad movies. Films that are so bad that somehow, the actual experience of watching them is more entertaining than any hard-hitting drama. This is a tribute to those well-intentioned individuals who set out to make a great film but instead made something so bad it's good.

Troll 2 (1990)

A film so inexplicably bad it has a documentary called Best Worst Movie about it. The film's plot is as nonsensical as they come: the Waits family do a house swap with a family in a weird American town called Nilbog and when they arrive, vegetarian goblins (not trolls, that error must be down to the Italian couple who wrote the script and directed the movie without speaking English) try to turn them into plants so they can eat them guilt-free. The movie's strong points are its uniformly awful acting, its well-known lines like "You can't piss on hospitality, I won't allow it!" and "they're eating her! And then they're going to eat me! Oh my GOD!" A bad movie cult classic.

Gigli (2003)

When Ben Affleck was yet to prove himself as a bearded Oscar-winning director and Jennifer Lopez was at the top of her J.Lo music phase, the then dating couple co-starred in Martin Brest's Gigli, the story of an unconvincing dickhead mobster (Affleck playing the titular role) who falls in love with an unconvincing lesbian Ricki (Lopez), or "stone cold dyke" as Gigli charmingly puts it, and turns her straight. Not even Al Pacino and Christopher Walken could save this turd. The film's excels at excruciating dialogue and unbelievable characters but it deserves to be on the list for one scene alone when Ricki, seductively says "it's turkey time" to a dumbfounded Gigli before pointing at her lady bits and saying "Gobble gobble."

Shark Attack 3 (2002)

Jaws opened the floodgates and a shoal of shitty shark movies swam forth. The worst of which, is probably this stinking fishy mess. The film is particularly notable for its shockingly bad computer-generated sharks which swallow boats, people and the pride of the actors (including John Barrowman), with a technical proficiency even a 10-year-old would be embarrassed to own up to.

Killing Me Softly (2002)

"Erotic thriller." The sight of that descriptor should bring shudders to your spine already but when you get two terrible actors together, sparks do not fly. Heather Graham is pretty vacant at the best of times, but here, she does nothing but swoon wide-eyed at Joseph Fiennes who sports an intense douchebag stare for the entire duration. She falls in love with him but soon after, she begins to think someone is out to get her. Does Fiennes' hold a dark secret? The real question should be – how is this movie so unintentionally funny?

The Room (2003)

The crème de la crème of great bad movies, Tommy Wiseau's The Room, has achieved celebrated cult status, hailed by Entertainment Weekly as "the Citizen Kane of bad movies." Tommy Wiseau stars, writes, produces and directs and can't do any of them well. His behaviour and enunciation when he acts is so foreign it's like watching an alien feeling emotion for the first time. The film is an atrocious catalogue of failures: melodramatic acting ("You are tearing me apart Lisa!"), cyborg dialogue, an erratic plot, crap CGI, myriad of plot holes, a cheesy soundtrack, terrible dubbing and bad camera work.

Howard The Duck (1986)

This adaptation of a Marvel comic, produced by Star Wars meddler George Lucas, ended up being shot in live-action as opposed to animation which lead to an unconvincing life-sized duck who lacks realistic facial emotion, behaves inappropriately and leers at the women in the movie. Whoever was the target market of this PG film, it wasn't children, who fled from movie theatres having had their innocence taken by such an awful movie.

Battlefield Earth (2000)

John Travolta "stars" as a nine-foot tall dreadlocked alien in a story based on the sci-fi novel by L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of the Church Of Scientology. The resulting film was memorably called "A cross between Star Wars and the smell of ass," by The Daily Show's Jon Stewart. All of the film's performances are about as subtle as Lady Gaga's meat dress. Travolta's hysterically camp over-acting is the film's biggest crime against humanity.

Leap Year (2010)

Amy Adams, how far you've come. Before her magnetising performance in American Hustle, the actress starred as Anna Brady, who frustrated with her boyfriend's lack of commitment to her, travels to Dublin to propose to him on Leap Day. Beset by weather-related obstacles she gets stuck in Cardiff. A lack of basic navigation skills lead her to charter a boat to Dingle via Cork (what?) and so begins a rom-com which relies on the offensive stereotypes of the imbecilic Oirish and the feeble-minded American girl. Insulting to just about everyone.

The Happening (2008)

The film that put the first nail in M. Night Shyamalan's career after critical and box office success with The Sixth Sense, Signs and Unbreakable. Starring Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel, who were apparently asked to deliberately overact, the film was supposed to be an warning about human impact on the environment. It does this in the form of an invisible toxin released by plants which kills people in large groups. This means Wahlberg and Deschanel spend much of the movie running away from, wait for it – THE WIND. You will wish a gust of wind will come along to give you amnesia after seeing this movie.

Leprechaun: In the Hood (2000)Night

There are six Leprechaun films in total, all of them hammy horror films and four of them starring Willow actor Warwick Davis. Set in Compton, Los Angeles it takes the pot of gold for its gangsta rap plot. So we get a leprechaun rapping and smoking a clover-filled joint, an Ice-T cameo and a magic flute (not a euphemism) that the wee lad uses to control the careers of the rappers.

Irish Independent

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