Movies: Vampires Suck *
(12A, general release)
In recent years writer/directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have carved themselves a nefarious but presumably lucrative cinematic niche.
Their films -- Date Movie, Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans -- parody notable Hollywood hits by repeating key moments and having lookalike actors fart, fall over, hit each other or mortally wound themselves instead of completing the scene as expected.
There are no jokes in Friedberg/Seltzer movies, and nothing very much to be gained by watching them, but someone must be because they tend to turn tidy, if modest, profits.
In case you haven't figured it out yet, the Twilight films are their target this time. Jenn Proske is Becca Crane, a handsome but tortured teenage girl who arrives in the creepy-looking town of Sporks in Washington State to live with her rather vacant father, a sheriff called Frank.
When Becca attends her local high school, she's much taken with an aloof and good-looking student called Edward Sullen (get it?), who appears to have a strong eversion to her cologne.
He, of course, turns out to be a 200-year-old vampire, but in spite of this impediment he and Becca fall in love.
However, a rival presents himself in the shape of werewolf Jacob White. Jacob and Edward don't get along, and in a plot that sticks closely to the storylines of the first two Twilight films, their animosity and the Sullen family's attempts to control their blood lust are lampooned in ways that can only be described as crushingly obvious.
Packed with side-splitting single-entendres, Vampires Suck blunders blindly from set piece to set piece without stumbling on a single genuinely funny moment.
A cast that includes Matt Lanter, Christopher N Riggi and the usually very funny Ken Jeong attack their task with commendable enthusiasm, but to little effect, and the film's 82 minutes begin to seem a lifetime.