Monday 24 October 2016

In my mind it will always be payback time

Published 24/08/2015 | 02:30

I have long-term plans for when I get older. I will live with my three kids in equal measure. And drive them around the bend. They will be demented from my self-indulgent behaviour. I won't lift a finger to help.

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I'll get up at lunch time and wander around in my big flannel nightie. Who cares if their friends call? They are the ones who will have to explain away the dishevelled looking apparition thrown in front of the telly. slobbering and snoring. I'll be beyond caring. Just like they were for years.

There will be no question of putting my plates in the dishwasher. I'll just leave them by the telly for them to deal with. Again who cares if their friends call?

The telly will probably be on very loud. I'll be hard of hearing by then. I might also be a tad blind and not see the dirt in my bedroom. Big huge Bridget Jones knickers thrown on the floor and elastic stockings next to them. Distasteful I know. Again who cares if one of their friends wanders in there by mistake instead of the bathroom?

I'll demand that my friends call for the craic once a week. Wine and nibbles. I'll leave all the wine bottles and glasses on the table and ignore the embedded crisps in the carpet.

They can clean them and go to the bottle bank. They can castigate me for my behaviour. I'll just ignore them and become the queen of sullen.

Slam doors and take to my filthy bedroom, stepping over the knickers and stockings to throw myself into my unmade bed and sulk.

My hair will be falling out in clumps by then so when I've had a shower I won't dream of cleaning the plug hole or the shower for that matter so that when they step in, the dirty water will start lapping at their ankles.

I'll do my own washing but I will never take my clothes out of the dryer when they are finished.

I'll wait for one of them to need it and have to take my stuff out and fold it. Big knickers, elastic stockings - the lot. They will remember me fondly.

Sunday Independent

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