Wednesday 26 October 2016

I don't think I'll ever grow up

Published 12/10/2015 | 02:30

I must be off my game. I used to read my horoscope when I was young and despite the fact that every magazine said a different thing, I managed to ignore the main statements, extricate the shared little things and take them as gospel. One would say 'you will meet somebody from your past and love will spark'. Another would say 'A brand new force will come into your life and sweep you off your feet'. I ignored the fact that they were both completely different and just assumed I was going to meet someone amazing. It never happened.

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I used to also fill out all those quiz things in magazines. 'Are you a reliable friend' and such like. Three choices and a series of ten questions. If your friend lay dying at the side of the road would you A-walk over her. B- kick her. C. Help her up. It was obvious which one was the one that would score you most points. So I always emerged as the most reliable friend, the best lover, the most fun-loving etc

So you would assume that at my age I would ignore any of this fabricated ego-bolstering rubbish. No. A quiz popped up on my Facebook page the other night and, of course, I went along with it. Mindless eejit that I am. What age could you pass for was basically the question. I filled in all the ridiculous rubbish and came out as 'You could pass for 33'.

I'm not joking, I got a huge lift. It lasted three seconds but I really did. A three-second rush.

It would appear I am very self-confident in nearly everything I do - they should see me when a cop waves down my car. I know exactly where I'm going in life - yea, to the couch to watch telly. My independence, confidence and maturity, combined with my good looks, means that I would definitely pass for someone in their early thirties. Now you see they never mentioned if whoever might think I'm in my thirties could see me. Where are the folk who might think I'm young. Because if they are out there I want to find them.

Sunday Independent

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