Sunday 24 September 2017

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: Paper prophet

With the arrival of the recession, have you cut back on any spending?

No, I'm of the firm belief that we all need to keep spending our parents' money if we're to get out of this financial crisis. It's called the Krystle Nightclub School of Economics.

What three things would you not be able to do without if you were tightening your belt?

Thursday night out. Friday night out. Saturday night out.

Do you shop in Lidl or Aldi?

Does Ronan O'Gara cheer for Leinster?

What's your worst customer service experience?

Brown Thomas deciding it no longer accepts personal cheques.

What car do you drive and how much does it cost to fill up the petrol tank?

BMW Z7. You'd have to check the old man's most recent credit cord statement.

What was your first job and salary?

My first job was burning incriminating paperwork for my old man in a barrel in the laneway behind his solicitors' office, Hennessy Coghlan-O'Hara's, in Pembroke Square. It was actually my work experience, although they did pay me, I think, £1 -- as it was in those days -- per page. All that heat -- I actually went back to school with a tan. People thought I'd been away.

What would you like to achieve in business/work this year?

At the moment, I'm actually back in the old evidence-destruction business, doing the odd bit of work for my old man's confidential document disposal service, Shred Focking Everything. Our slogan is, "The Celtic Tiger's dirty secrets aren't going to bury themselves!" By the end of the year, we're hoping to have, like, 15 or 16 vans on the road?

Do you have any family connection with business?

Yeah, Charles O'Carroll-Kelly. I can't see anyone else hiring me, can you?

Which businessman or woman do you most admire?

Again, here I'd probably be influenced by my old man, who's currently collecting signatures for a petition to have Greystones Dort Station renamed Sean FitzPatrick Station. "He was one of the architects behind what made this country great," he says, "for nine or so years." I don't think anyone would disagree with that.

What was your best investment?

The creatine and methylamphetamine that helped me carry Castlerock College to victory in the Leinster Schools Senior Cup in 1999, thus changing my life forever.

What's the biggest financial mistake you ever made?

Definitely the third Oasis album.

Do you know what interest rate you're paying on your mortgage?

No mortgage. Bought the place outright.

If you won the Euromillions jackpot, what would you do with the money?

I've never done the actual lottery. In Foxrock, it was always considered vulgar. Like begging. And soccer.

What have you got in your wallet today?

Shrapnel from last night, credit cords, two love zeppelins still in their plastic and, well, some phone numbers.

If you could design your own euro note, whose face would you put on it?

Laura Whitmore. Might encourage people to stort putting their hands in their pockets again.

What would you spend more money on each year -- petrol or restaurants?

Again, the old man would know all that.

Have you ever been overcharged by a bank?

No. But when I was making a lodgment a couple of weeks back, the cheeky focker behind the glass storted holding my fifties up to the light to check if they were, like, real? He was like, "Sorry, sir, we do have to be careful." I went, "Yeah? It's about five years too late to be thinking like that, isn't it?"

Have you ever made an insurance claim?

Again, vulgar. Although the Irish Insurance Federation has nicknamed my son The Rabbit on account of the number of holes he's been down.

How much is a bag of chips?

The places I generally eat -- about €20, although they're covered in rosemary and rock salt and stacked like Jenga.

'Between Foxrock and a Hard Place', Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's new play, runs at the Olympia Theatre, Dublin until November 14. For more information, visit www.rosstheplay.com. Ross's latest book, 'The Oh My God Delusion', is now on sale in all good bookshops.

Sunday Independent

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