This is not a good time to be a wage-slave. Money is tight, profits have plunged lower than Lindsay Lohan's neck-line, the suits at headquarters are banging on the table demanding heads on a plate. What -- gulp -- if yours is next for the chopping block?

Now, some self-appointed experts will tell you fretting about these things is pointless. If your job is going to go, your job is going to go -- all the teeth-gnashing in the world won't change anything. Why drive yourself crazy about a future that is out of your control?

But since when did cold, steely logic have any place in Irish corporate life? In the realm of the white-collar drone, guile, street-smarts and, yes, a certain flair for the dark art of office politics, can help keep your head -- by which we mean your job -- when all around are losing theirs. So buckle up, put your phone off the hook, quit scouring the internet for cheap holidays -- and read on as we show you how to hold onto your job (or at least hold onto it longer than the guy in the cubicle next door).

Know Who To Suck Up To

To get ahead in business, it is necessary to cultivate a mentor. In non-corporate speak, this means choosing the correct person to lick up to. Once your leech-like suckers are firmly attached to their coat-tails you are almost guaranteed to escape notice when the Grim Reaper from HR starts dishing out P45s.

Try not to be too obvious in your sucking up -- no braying gauchely at your boss's lame quips. Doing so will merely encourage the rest of the work force to loathe you (this will happen eventually anyway, but by then you should have been promoted out of the danger zone).

Whatever you do, avoid 'Friending' a boss on Facebook -- it's creepy, and they may suspect you're stalking them (NB: Do not stalk your boss, even if they're really dishy). Instead, familiarise yourself with the ancient Irish art of backslapping -- learn how to guffaw, administer a good-natured 'slagging' (stick to the football -- that way nobody gets hurt) and witter on about 'the rugby' (especially effective, for some reason, if your superior is female).

Oh and on nights out, ensure you are always one drink behind your superior. This will protect you from accusations of being dreary and sensible -- and even if you get drunk and make a fool of yourself, at least they'll be too blathered to remember. Under no account, however, go for a kebab with your boss afterwards.

The next morning you will both be embarrassed at having surrendered to your primal urges and some lingering awkwardness is to be expected.

Drink lots of coffee

At work, the greater the volume of coffee consumed, the more valuable an employee you are assumed to be. This is particularly the case if everyone else in the office favours tea.

There's a perception that tea drinkers are all simpering mammy's boys, far less useful in a tight situation than the pumped up, high-fiving overachievers who drink coffee. So next time your cubicle-mate mentions he's taking a tea break, nip across to Starbucks, order a triple-shot Venti Mocha and loudly glug it at your desk.

Who's gonna fire the guy with all the Starbucks take-out cups obscuring their computer? Not the Latte-loving Americans who actually own your company, that's for sure.

"Work" from home

Working from home would be a dream if (A) home was a Brownstone in a thrilling part of Manhattan, and (B) you had a full-size cinema in your basement. But you reside in a shoebox semi-D on the outskirts of Kells and the prospect of spending more than five consecutive hours within its cramped walls would have the Dalai Lama head-butting random passers-by.

Somewhat problematically, however, your HR director attended a conference on work/life balance last week. And while fuzzy on the details, they're sure they remember hearing something about remote working being the future of business. Fine -- you can play along with that.

Casually mention on a Friday that you are 'taking some work home with you'. If there's a company laptop, request a loan of same. Then simply upload the work you'd actually finished on Thursday and email it to the office Sunday evening.

Everyone will think you've been selflessly poring over the minutiae of that big account -- in fact you've been necking Aldi own-brand lager and finishing Grand Theft Auto in your underwear (please take care to follow these instructions in the correct order -- otherwise you risk turning up for work in your Y-fronts, with a can of lager stuffed down your crotch).

Learn the art of management lingo

Here's the thing about management speak: Everybody pretends to hate boardroom cliches but feels secretly validated using them. So by all means trot out all the boilerplate you can think of -- just ensure it's the correct pedigree.

Never, ever drop the phrases 'blue-sky thinking' or going 'outside the box'. They were clunkers in the '80s.

But you have full permission to indulge in phrases that have yet to be rumbled as corporate hooey: we're thinking 'big ticket purchase', 'face-time' and 'killer app'.

If you are a member of a public sector union, please add 'share the pain' and 'we didn't benefit from the Celtic Tiger'. Though, you can't actually lose your job -- so why are you reading this article in the first place?

Comport yourself like a winner

We'll start with the basics. Winners don't slouch into the office with tooth-paste stains on their shirts. Winners buy men's magazines and actually follow the fashion tips to the letter.

Sure, there was that occasion when you got it wrong and turned up sporting David Beckham hair -- but it was dark, you didn't realise you were piling on quite so much brylcreem. Trust us -- nobody noticed. They were too busy being blinded by your shoes.

On casual Fridays, dress as if you're on your way to a slightly boho jazz club -- try plaid shirt, Camper shoes and maybe a trendy hat (step away from that five-year-old Man United jersey).

Note too that, come the weekend, winners don't engage in schlubby activities like watching TV or catching a movie.

They surf and go mountain biking. In addition, you might want to let on that you've completed several marathons.

Colleagues will never ever be able to prove you're fibbing -- and it will make the tubby guy you're vying with for promotion look like twice as much of a lost cause.

If people inquire as to your holiday plans, wax cosmically about hill walking in Bhutan or eco tourism in Peru. We know you've booked a fortnight in Lanzarote -- but, ssssh, nobody else does.

They all think you're deep and interesting. And who wants to sack the deep and interesting dude?

Be competent, diligent and ethical in your professional dealings.

Employed at senior management level by a major bank? Relax! You can take a pass on this one. It's not as if anyone is going to show you the door. Actually, you're holding out for a pay rise.

- Ed Power