Saturday 3 December 2016

Billy Keane's Barstool Budget: Party time - more fun, more sex, more Cab Sav and bigger turkeys

Barstool Budget

Published 14/10/2015 | 02:30

Billy Keane. Photo: Mark Condren
Billy Keane. Photo: Mark Condren

For a change, I was looking forward to the budget. There were more leaks in the build-up than in the colander-holed pipes of our water system.

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I could be wrong, but I think that I might have more in my pocket from now on. So, what's the first thing I do? Only check the flights to Cardiff for the World Cup quarter-final against Argentina - which, for a long time, was even more broke than Ireland.

There was a time when you could become a peso millionaire on the savings from the hated USC alone. Only now it's not as hated as it was.

There's great news, too, if you're planning a family - with an increase of a fiver per child per week. People are being encouraged to have more sex, which leads to improved physical and mental health.

And there's an extra year of child care. The kids need not go to school now until they are five-and-a-half. The children will be about 35 by the time they do the Leaving if this keeps on going. But the population will shoot up. Hurrah to that - just think of the bigger selection for Martin O' Neill and Joe Schmidt in about 20 years' time.

And here's more good news. There's a 12 cent charge for using the credit cards. So if you use the card less than 41 times a year - well, you save money. Up to now it was a fiver a year flat charge.

Click to view full size graphic
Click to view full size graphic
Public Expenditure Minister Brendan Howlin on the steps of Government Buildings yesterday. Photo: Steve Humphreys
Finance Minister Michael Noonan speaks at a press briefing in Government Buildings yesterday. Photo: Frank McGrath
Jobs Minister Richard Bruton
Jobs Minister Richard Bruton and Employment Minister Ged Nash sign the Minimum Wage into law yesterday. Photo Sam Boal
Environment Minister Alan Kelly speaking at his Budget press briefing at Government Buildings. Photo: Steve Humphreys
Click to view full size graphic
Click to view full size graphic
Minister for Public Expenditure and Reform, Brendan Howlin, and Minister for Finance, Michael Noonan, deliver the Budget on the steps of Government Buildings

And I'm getting 550 quid a year for being self-employed. It's the first money for free we've been given in years. There are many consequences of the extra money being paid, which, completely co -incidentally, is being dished out in the year before an election.

The budget will lead to an increase in the size of turkeys, which is great news - if you like turkey. The Christmas bonus is 75pc more than it was in the bad times, which means if you had a 10-pound turkey last year then this Christmas your bird will weigh 17-and-a-half pounds.

Clearly, Michael Noonan has saved Ireland. The recession is over. And because, as a nation, we have no better hold of money than a child in a sweet shop, we will spend all around us before we even get it. The extra money will go back in to economy, and also the economy of Fuengirola.

The price of fags has gone up by 50 cent. Just yesterday, while watching the 4.30 at Musselburgh in our local bookies shop, a hoarse man said the new increase would lead to men keeping fags over their ears, which was a great custom in the old days. As we pointed out here in the past, there was no way the smokers could keep the fags under their ear, with due respect to Newton's Laws.

By the way, we backed Economic Crisis, and he was second at 10-1.

Smokers will now take the top off the cigarettes, turning it into a butt, and place the butt over their ear to save money and hasten their death from cancer. We should have doubled the price of fags.

I have another tax in mind. There's a new currency coming. It's called the CABSAV. For years, our real currency was the price of a pint.

The older man up at the bar counter would be listening to the budget, with his ear grafted on to the radio. He's told that there's an extra fiver a week in his pension and, if the pint was a pound back then, the man at the counter does his sums and he calculates he will be able to drink five more pints a week.

The CABSAV has replaced the pint. Irish people who have taken an unnatural liking to Cabernet Sauvignon will figure out how many extra bottles of Chateau Tuesday they can guzzle in the privacy of their own homes.

There should have been a tax on drinking at home.

Yes, Ireland is changing. Wine has taken over from porter and the President of the IFA broke the traditions of yore. He praised the budget. The days of farmers complaining seem to be gone forever.

The easiest way to win an election is to promise money to all and sundry, but this budget really puts money in people's pockets. And that's no harm. We need to spend a little - and now we have a little more.

So now, when the kids are at their prayers tonight, it will be God Bless Mammy and God Bless Daddy and God Bless Rover and God Bless my baby sister. And God Bless Michael Noonan.

Irish Independent

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